Losing That Which I Cannot Keep

Blogging Conundrum

2012-02-07T13:47:00.000-08:00

So, obviously, I have not written a blog post, a REAL blog post in quite some time. I have, actually, done this quite deliberately and quite purposefully. Truth be told, I have learned a few things along the way the last six to seven months or so, and it has affected my desire to post.

1. I am not sure what of myself I actually want to be out in cyber space so publicly. With all of the social media that's out there right now, life, it seems, for most people is lived pretty open and public. However, if you put something out there, it's likened to making an announcement in a crowded room....people can overhear and are free to comment. I am still in the midst of an internal debate with myself about what I actually want out as public knowledge. There are people who read my blog (not any of my 'subscribers') that I honestly don't want reading my blog. Ultimately, what I want is real relationships with real people, not people reading about me and believing that this is actually the same as being in my life.

2. I am still not sure what, exactly, my blog is about. Sometimes I post stuff about myself personally. I have posted links to articles that others have written, or even written blogs myself in response to one thing or another going on out in the world that I felt I had something to say about. This lack of focus of my blog has been the major reason why I have blogged in fits rather than consistently.

3. Sometimes, saying the same thing over and over gets redundant. Life is in constant change and my life is no different. However, some of the major themes of my last few years of blogging have not changed much. Even I get tired of writing about the same things. If my blog were more of a "day-to-day" in the life of Erin, it might be a different story. Then, I would post about the mundane things that change, rather than the "big ticket" items.

4. Sometimes, no a LOT of times, I am really intimidated by the blogs of people that I subscribe to. Some of those blogs are even listed here should you chose to click on them. I am not a missionary to a third-world country. I'm not raising a huge family and writing all about the cool crafts or lessons I am teaching my kids. I am not ministering to inner-city kids every week. I am not...well, you get the picture.

Sometimes when I open my blog and I start reading through my blog roll, or when I click on a blog that I have "favorited" on my computer I start to wonder, "What the heck am I doing that I would even write about?" Speaking as someone who has struggled most of her life off and on with significance, coming face-to-face with all that others are doing is well, frankly, discouraging. The last year or so has been a real journey for me in coming to terms with being OK with just being ME...with no other adjective to add on. There are many days when I just know that coming to my blog to post is going to be a battle of comparison. For this reason, should I continue to post, I might drop the blog list on the side. We'll see.

There you have it, cyberspace and my 11 readers. If you have any thoughts or feedback, I'd love to hear.
Blessings,
Erin

Dating, Relating....

2011-11-02T09:30:00.000-07:00

Can it really be over a month since I last blogged? I guess so! A lot has happened and I'll try to blog later about some details. Meanwhile, I read this article by Mark Driscoll from Mars Hill Church. While I don't always agree with him, sometimes he hits the nail right on the head. This article is one.

http://pastormark.tv/2011/10/26/dating-relating-and-fornicating

I thought it was genius.

Erin

Let's Run the Race Together

2011-09-30T11:47:00.000-07:00

I have some good news to report on the financial front. Things are still tight, but I have managed to have a few blessings along the way!

I called the alarm company to come out and fix my alarm. It took a total of 15 minutes. Rather than charge me the $130+, the service guy was gracious and only charged me for half that amount. Whew!

I have managed to get rid of the ants (so far) by using Raid on the inside of the house where they were coming in. I also managed to figure out where they were entering the house from the outside and sprayed there too. Voila, no ants!

My car is also fixed. I took it to Auto Zone where they diagnosed it for FREE. They also sold me the parts I needed to fix it. Then, I gave the parts to a guy from church who repaired it for a mere fraction of the cost it would have been anywhere else.

I was able to order a knob for my dryer off the Internet for about $10 and repaired it myself.

And, finally, I am borrowing a vacuum cleaner from a friend until I can repair my old one or buy a new one.

So, this leaves my cat litter box, ceiling fan and medical bill left to take care of. I purchased a cheap, covered litter box that will do for now, and with summer over, the ceiling fan can wait. The medical bill is another story all-together, but I am working with the hospital to figure a payment plan out.

In other news, my current foray into online dating is coming to an end. I have always had a hard time with online dating for many reasons and I think I have partially figured out why this is. It has felt like this has been my only option to meet people, however, and I am pretty sure this won't be my last venture into the online dating world. Right now I can't afford it, so my current season of this is coming to an end.

My success, or lack-there-of, is only partially why I am frustrated with online dating. My most recent dip into the online dating pool didn't produce the "sharks" that I have talked about before. But, the passivity I encountered with the men on there has just astounded me. I have talked about this before, but sometimes I wonder whether men in the online dating world really want to find someone at all.

This time around, I was encouraged, initially, by the quality of men on paper that I was "meeting." Several of them were very promising and things got off to an amazing start. I had no less than three dates lined up within a two-week span. How many of them did I go on? Exactly zero.

This is not from any kind of hesitation or lack of trying on my part. Two of the three, when it came down to actually nailing down a day/time to meet, just kind of fell off the planet not to be heard from again. One of the three at least continued to communicate with me, but kept coming up with one excuse after another: my car broke down, I have a friend in town from Germany for the week, etc. Can you see what I mean?

So, as this latest venture winds to a close I was challenged recently by a couple of friends to actually write down what I am praying for in a husband. I am not going to get into the full details of my list, but I realized, as I was writing it, just how important someone who is an initiator is to me. I used to think *I* was the one who was passive...wanting so desperately to be pursued, or that I was fearful of stepping out and being vulnerable/putting myself out there.

I am realizing, however, that really this is a deep heart-cry of mine. Maybe it is rooted in fear or passivity on my part a little, because what of anything is ever 100% pure? But, I think it's OK for me to say that I want someone who is a leader and an initiator. I am those things, but I don't want to be the leader nor initiator in my relationship. So, I think that is partially what bothers me about online dating....in a lot of ways I feel like it is too easy for the men on there to be passive, as evidenced by my latest round of online dating. It feels like I am doing most of the work.

I know it only takes "one." I do have a few friends that have met their partners online and I know that it does happen, but I just sometimes really pray, deep deep down that I would just love to meet someone someday the "old fashioned way" and look at that person and realize that we are running the same race, in the same direction and that we'd be better running the race together than apart. And, that he'd be the one to grab my hand and say "Let's run together."

Blessings,
Erin

When it Rains, It Pours (AKA the blog in which I complain about finances)

2011-09-20T19:54:00.000-07:00

In the last month or so I have taken one financial hit after another. It is strange how everything seems to happen all at the same time. Am I the only one who feels this way or is there some sort of generational curse I'm living under?

Here is the run-down of my financial woes since the middle of August.

1. My alarm system has a monitor that is malfunctioning. Normally you'd just call the company and have 'em come out and slide a new monitor, right? Except for the fact that I don't have a maintenance agreement with my alarm company. They are going to charge me $135 for the first half hour and then $35 for every fifteen minutes after that.

2. My vacuum cleaner died. This vacuum cleaner was a hand-me-down from my grandmother and we figure it is at least 20 years old. This vacuum clearly is from an era when they actually made things to last rather than breakable.

3. I have a *very* fancy cat litter box. This is because in such a small house the smell of dirty cat litter is about the grossest thing ever. As a result, I invested in a very fancy litter box that keeps my house nice and odor-free. However, like current vacuum cleaners, this has not been designed to last as long as I would like. It broke recently too.

4. The knob on my dryer to turn it to the correct setting broke recently.

5. The ceiling fan/light fixture on my ceiling in my living room died. Not sure why, just died.

6. At the end of August, I had an infection that morphed into a full-blow allergic reaction to the antibiotic that they put me on. This resulted in hives all over my body as well as a spike temperature of 103.5 and a trip to the ER. I just got the bill for my visit and it's going to cost me over $2500.

7. I have an ant infestation in my house. I am trying to fight it without calling an exterminator, but if I can't get rid of the, I'll have to fork out $200 for an exterminator.

8. The "check engine" light is on in my car. I'm not sure what's wrong, but I'll have to put it in to the dealership to have it looked at.

Anyone have any creative ideas for earning some extra money??

Erin

Hiatus Over

2011-09-02T12:27:00.000-07:00

I have, as you may have noticed, been on a loooong hiatus from blogging. It isn't that I haven't had things going on to blog about...it's been that I have been running around like a chicken with its head cut off for the summer.

Here is what I have been up to:

1. Catalyst. This is my church's summer program for college students. I volunteered with this program last summer, in a very limited capacity. This summer, my involvement was ramped up a notch. Last summer I wrote and edited the devotional and just generally hung out with the students. This summer, I rewrote a part of the devotional, was also in charge of all the finances, and was the state-side communications liason for the month that the group was in Asia. All of this plus working full time, plus all of the "social" thing that happen during the week left me pretty much busy from morning til evening most days of the week. Today is the last day of the school. I love being involved with this, but it definitely is something I can only imagine doing for a couple of months at a time. I am not sure I can handle a schedule like I have had this summer all the time. I know my house, yard, other friends and everything else that got neglected in the last few months certainly can't handle it!

2. Family. Back in June, my brother, sister-in-law and two nephews moved into town for good! My brother has felt a call to church plant for a number of years and my parent's church feels called to plant churches....so it's been a great fit. There is a need and my brother desires to fill that need. So, they packed everything up and headed out here. It has been maybe the best thing ever!!! I have been spending tons of time over at my parents. Brady, my three-year-old nephew got to come to summer camp at the zoo. He and I went on a nephew/aunt date after one day at camp to McDonalds and then my house to play with my cats. I also got to babysit Kason, the one-year-old while my brother and sister-in-law took Brady out. It has been such a treasure having them here. I love them all so, so much.

3. Sickness. In the middle of August I went to the Dr. to have a abscess looked at. They initially put me on antibiotics to try to take care of it that way. When those didn't work, they lanced and drained it. They also put me on a second antibiotic. I had a severe reaction to the second antibiotic and ended up COVERED in hives from head to foot and running a 103.5 degree temperature. Needless to say I was miserable. I ended up at the doctor's office several times and even a took a trip to the Emergency Room one day. It took me out for about a week. I am all better now, but I won't be taking that antibiotic ever again!

4. Work. I ran this year's summer camp program again, just as I have the last two summers. This is summer was the best of all of the summers I have been a part of so far. The crew we had instructing was fabulous and it just went very, very well.

What is coming up?
Honestly, I am not really sure. Last year at this time I was going through one of the hardest times of the last four years. The truth that it is always darkest right before dawn proved to be true yet again. Starting in about November or December, things really turned around and have been great for the rest of the year. But, I'll be honest, there is a real part of me that is scared that this fall will be like last fall. If for no other reason than it is hard to not have a bit of a "let down" after being so busy. And truthfully, many of the same circumstances are in play this year as were there last year. I mean, in my head I know that no year is exactly like the others, but it is still a fear, however irrational it may be.

Here are a few tidbits of what I DO know:

Possible involvement with PLU's campus ministry called "Ignite."

Possible involvement in my church's women's ministry.

A week-long trip to LA and then Phoenix for two weddings.

Postponement of my Africa trip until February or March.

Possible foray into online dating (this involves a whole other post, but suffice to say it has become clearer and clearer that this is probably the only feasible option for meeting someone, though in my heart of hearts, I despise and loathe online dating for many reasons).

I think that's all for now!

Blessings,

Erin

Guard Your Heart

2011-06-19T09:40:00.000-07:00

Right before I stared my freshman year of college, I began dating my first "real" boyfriend. I mean that I fell for him *big time.* I tend not to do much half-way, and so I gave my heart to him about as fully as an 18-year-old can. Without getting into the sordid details of the story, suffice to say my hard was broken pretty *big time* as well.

The result of this relationship is that I lost my ability to trust my discernment on the character of men, and so all men became unsafe. I grabbed onto a verse and made it mine: "Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life (Proverbs 4:23)." I heard lots of messages about guarding my heart, but never really did hear how I was to do this in a practical way, nor did I hear any wisdom on how long I should do this. So, what was my interpretation? Lock my heart up like a dungeon.

As I am navigating my world of singleness, though, I am coming to a new revelation....I'm not so sure that I've been interpreting this verse correctly.

I recently looked up the whole 4th chapter of Proverbs. It has a lot to say about wisdom, but the section that contains the verse about guarding our hearts is actually a section on a call to righteousness! You see, back in biblical times, much as it is now, the "heart" was a catch-all word for thoughts, emotions, and soul. What this verse, in context with the other verses around it, is saying is not to keep our hearts apart from others, but instead to keep our hearts apart from evil and instead preserved for righteousness.

Obviously, a lot of unrighteous things happen in the context of both romantic as well as platonic relationships, and in that sense, we need to be careful to put some things in place to keep those relationships from evil. For example having accountability is a huge way to keep relationships pure. I also think that determining in your heart the character traits of what a godly person looks like so you can recognize them in another is a huge help too (for example, teachability). But I think more than anything, prayer is key. Prayer for wisdom and discernment are exactly what Phil 4:6-7 tells us is the best way to guard our hearts.

My revelation, however, has been that guarding my heart is not an all-or-nothing situation. I really believe that instead of being black and white, there is much more of a gradient scale with a lot of gray in between. I'm not advocating giving our hearts away fully to anyone and everyone who comes along, but I am also not advocating for locking it away like it doesn't exist.

CS Lewis has a great quote: To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless–it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

So, I am trying a new thing. I am trying to figure out how to allow myself to be vulnerable and open, especially with the opposite sex. I realize that this might mean I could get hurt....but that's the beauty of freedom...that you forgive, you heal, and you move on. I find that a lot of women my age have become so discouraged by life that they have lost their youthful optimism and spirit. That is the last thing I want to be.

Blessings,
Erin

Goodness

2011-06-16T15:10:00.000-07:00

I never question whether the Lord has His best in mind for me when His best aligns with my ideas of what is best. It is in those moments when His best doesn't line up with my idea of best that I question. If I could agree that His best is always best, regardless of what it looks like, I could save myself a lot of heartache. However, I think this is a large part of the human condition...agreeing with God that His best is best all the time.

You Can't Turn a Chihuahua into a German Shepherd

2011-06-05T23:09:00.000-07:00

A Chihuahua is a small little dog. They are considered a bit of a pocket pet, which means that have been breed specifically to be a companion animal. They provide little else in the way of what other dogs might provide....not much of a guard dog (other than the fact that some of them bark), you can't really take them running, and you certainly wouldn't use them as a "working dog" (think herding dogs on a farm). Their one and only purpose as a dog is to just hang out with their humans.

Now let's look at German Shepherds...now there is a dog with a lot of purpose. They are great guard dogs, many of them are used as K9 dogs, you can take them running with you, and so on. But certainly, if you wanted to put one in your purse and carry it around with you, like you would a Chihuahua, you would not be able to do that. Paris Hilton, for example, would probably never chose a German Shepherd as a dog to own.

If you bought a Chihuahua you would never expect it to do or behave the way a German Shepherd does and vice verse. They were designed to do very different things. It would be ridiculous.

Yet, I regularly find myself admiring certain traits or personality characteristics of people around me, wishing I was more like them. By this I don't mean traits that I should be admiring like patience, kindness, gentleness etc. In fact, those ARE traits that I should be seeking to become more like in my own life. Instead, I am talking about the traits in others that are things that you can't always, nor should you, become like.

For example, I have a friend who has several tattoos. In fact, she regularly says: I'm bored, I think I'll go get a tattoo today. I, on the other hand, don't have a single one. I have thought about getting one for quite a while, but just have never done it. At this point, I think it would be a surprise to me if I ever even got one. I have yet another friend who is super into music. All kinds of music. She can carry on a conversation about music producers and albums and all sorts of things that I don't have a clue about. I love music, I play the violin and a little guitar, and I have a decent singing voice, but I am not passionate about music like she is.

What I am finding, generally, is that those traits I admire are usually traits that I am jealous of, or jealous of what they "get" that person. My friend with the tattoos....she connects with teens like no body's business. She is amazing with them. I on the other hand am seen as a bit of a fuddy duddy. My other friend who is so into music....she had a lengthy conversation with someone tonight about music that was way over my head.

I am learning more and more each day to stand confident and firm in who *I* am created to be. I am probably never going to be the tattooed rocker chick (though I secretly love good rock music; especially with a good guitarist). However, there are things about me that make me amazing and great. There are things that my tattooed friend and my music friend don't have that I do.

Who I am is amazing and great and awesome and wonderful.....I can't become someone I am not and the sooner I stop trying to be...the sooner I will be at a greater level of peace.
Blessings,
Erin

Remembering to be Thankful

2011-05-25T12:14:00.000-07:00

When I was in college my grandmother suffered a stroke. This first stroke was just one of many she suffered over the course of about three years until she finally died from one. These strokes affected her in a progressively negative way. The first one she had affected her ability to raise her right arm and also her speech. She also fell and tore her rotator cuff in her left arm, rendering her virtually unable to use either of her arms. As the strokes progressed in severity, her ability to take care of herself was also affected. About a year after her first stroke, we decided to put her in an assisted living facility. As she deteriorated, we moved her to an increasing level of care until finally, right at the end, she was in a fully assisted nursing home.

I remember my aunt coming up to visit my grandmother while she was still in a section of the facility that was for folks who were still fairly independent, but needed some extra help. In this section of the facility she was served a couple of meals a day and got some help cleaning her apartment.

During my aunt's visit, we ended up having lunch over at my grandmother's apartment. After lunch, my aunt and I were washing dishes by hand and my aunt casually looked over at my grandmother and said, "Boy, I sure bet you don't miss washing dishes!" Suddenly without warning, my grandmother burst into tears. My aunt and I stood there shocked for a moment before we could register that my grandmother was crying over not being able to do the dishes.

I was pretty young when all of this was happening...maybe 20 or 21, but the memory of this day is etched with me. You see, my grandmother wasn't sad because she liked doing dishes....she was sad because even if she had wanted to...she was physically incapable of helping. It wasn't the dishes, it was what the dishes represented. My grandmother was a feisty, strong and capable woman. I don't know how she couldn't have been, growing up in the depression, raising a family of four and then in her later years nursing my invalid grandfather until his passing. This woman, who'd served her family and others for her whole life was now almost completely dependent on other people.

I had an epiphany at that moment....the epiphany was just how thankful and grateful I should be over the things I had...at any moment they could be taken away. I resolved to try my best to complain less about the things in life that were really not worth my time or energy to complain about.

I was reminded of this truth again this past week. I just got done reading a book called "90 Minutes in Heaven." This book is about a man who died in a car accident. He was so dead that the paramedics who arrived did not even bother doing CPR on him. His dead body sat in his car for 90 minutes until a man happened to come along and asked to pray for him. After being declared dead for 90 minutes, this man, named Don Piper, came back to life. Of course an accident as traumatic as he was in had a lasting impact on him physically. Much of the book is about his road to recovery after this accident. He lives in almost constant pain, he has no use of one of his arms, his leg is missing a whole piece of bone and is shorter than his other leg, twisting his body and causing arthritis among many other physical ailments.

In one chapter of this book, Don describes the emotional trauma of realizing he is unable to throw a football with his boys again, and cannot take the youth group skiing like he used to. I was struck anew with all that I take for granted in life. I am relatively healthy. All my arms, legs, fingers and toes work exactly the way they were designed to. My brain is fully functional, I can communicate with others and take care of myself.

I am resolved yet again to be grateful and thankful for what I have....even when it means I am mowing the lawn for the second time in a week, or doing laundry yet again, or any of the things in life that seem to be my least favorite things to do. I am going to remember to be thankful I have the ability to do them.

Blessings,
Erin

Smart Cookie

2011-05-18T15:18:00.000-07:00

I'm a pretty smart cookie. I mean this with as much humility as I can muster. I have two bachelor's degrees, one of which is a BS in biology. I am an incessant learner and thinker. One of the ways the Lord created me is with wisdom and "brilliance." However, in the words of Voltaire: with great power comes great responsibility. Everything good about how we are created has a flip side. Taken too far or twisted in the wrong way, our strengths can also be our biggest stumbling blocks.

One of the ways this works with me is that because I am right about most things much of the time, I have a tendancy to think I am right about all things all of the time. In other words, I can come across as condescending or patronizing or even an outright know-it-all. My pride rears its ugly head because I love sharing all of my knowledge and wisdom with others. This is one of the reasons I am a great teacher, but it can also be hurtful to other people. Not just because I have corrected them, pointed out that they are wrong, or in the tone of my voice but also because there is a real part of my heart that just likes being right.

This week has turned out to be a series of me having to apologize and say I am sorry. First at work when I was told I had been condescending to a little boy who reached for something I was holding without asking, then to a friend who was offended at a facebook status I posted after a conversation with her, and then to another friend who roots for a different baseball team than I do after a comment he made about the Mariners. Sigh.

And, I will tell you...nothing shows you just how much pride you have when you have to swallow it and admit you're wrong and apologize. Thus, I march on, swallowing my pride and learning how to live in the fullness of being me but in all humility considering others better than myself (Phil 2:3). This is a lesson I have needed to learn this week.

Blessings,
Erin

Not Defined by My Past

2011-05-17T09:26:00.000-07:00

I have have a friend who likes to talk about her past by using phrase such as: "When I used to do ____ (fill in negative term)." Or, "When _______ (fill in past event described in horrific terms) happened to me." In perusing my own blog posts, I have come to realized that I also talk at times about things in my past this way. I am sure a lot of us do this. It is probably a natural tendancy when we have memories of something negative to describe it in negative terms. The difference is that my friend talks about these things all the time. And, she cannot use any other description for these things except in boarderline hostile words. She is, in essence, defined by her past.

I am finding, however, that whenever I use negativity to describe things from my past, it brings up negative emotions within me. This gives my past a measure of power over me. If I allow things from my past to continue to affect me negatively, then I am still in some ways defined and controled by those things. It makes me a victim.

I am not a victim. My friend who continues to describe her past in negative terms is not a victim either, if she choses not to be so. She has a decision to make. Is she going to let these things define her today and control her today? Or, is she going to move on from her past?

I'm not saying we shouldn't talk about negative things that we've been involved with or bad things that have happened to us. In fact I think it is good to talk about those things and understand how those events have affected us. What I am talking about is the power we give those things when we allow them to define us.

Blessings,
Erin

Hope

2011-05-13T12:44:00.000-07:00

President Obama wrote a book about three years ago called "The Audacity of Hope." I have not read this book, but the title intrigues me a lot. Specifically, why is hope audacious?

A week or so ago I was sitting in our church's prayer room when I felt in my spirit the Lord stirring me to hope again. If you've been following my blog for any length of time, you know that since about September, life has been overflowing with peace and calm. There are so many lessons I have learned in the last seven months. One thing that seems to have eluded me, however, is the desire to hope again. It isn't that I have been in a full-on hopeless state, but it has felt like I have come to accept the mundane and perpetually mediocre as normal for me.

When I felt this stirring in my guts to hope again, it came as a bit of a shock: how had I gotten to a place where hope was NOT normal? In light of this, I realized that while I had moved past the idea that the Lord had nothing but pain and turmoil for me, I had NOT moved on to fully expecting abundant life, though that is my inheritance. As a daughter of the King of Kings, I should live hoping for and expecting abundance. I don't mean this in the prosperity gospel, materialistic kind of way. I mean abundance of life on the inside, in my heart, in the fruit of the spirit, and yes, even sometimes in my circumstances too.

I wrote in my journal on that night a long entry about hope....that this year would be a year of jubilee, that this would be a year of blessing, of joy, of outrageous outpouring of amazingly wonderful LIFE. I don't believe in New Year's resolutions, because I feel like I have the power to make changes in my life at any time, and so I have decided to hope extravagantly yet again.

This brings me back to my first paragraph about the "audacity of hope." Barack Obama describes hope as audacious. The definition of this word is: fearlessly, recklessly bold, daring, disregard of normal restraint." I find it fascinating that the president of our country would describe hope as audacious.

The reality is that hope should be NORMAL.....not fearless, not reckless, not restrained, but NORMAL. I mean, I've got the God of the universe on my side, working on my behalf. I know how my story ends. I know that all things work together for my good. I know too much to live a life of not expecting the worst, but also not expecting the best.

This is what the Lord is asking of me: to make hope normal again.

Blessings,
Erin

Community

2011-05-06T15:55:00.000-07:00

A number of months ago Steve Fry, pastor of The Gate and president of Messenger Fellowship spoke at our young adult gathering. He spoke on the Trinity and really shifted some of my paradigms about how the Trinity functions. Specifically I was intrigued by a new thought: the Father, Son and Holy Spirit live in community and fellowship with one another, each equally important, and in interdependence with one another and in mutual submission to one other. (I am paraphrasing an hour-long message into a short sentence, so suffice to say that there was a lot more depth and detail, which I won't get into now.) He spoke about how this model of community really shapes how we see each and interact with one another.

This community existed before time, and we are drawn into this relationship because we are invited to be a part of this same relationship. Not that the Lord needs us in the same way He needs the other members of the Trinity, but we are adopted and grafted into His family and He does chose to use us to accomplish all He wants accomplished. I find this concept intriguing.

I think most people are longing for community. We are designed in the image of God, we are bearers of His likeness in spirit. If He longs for relationship, it makes sense that we would be too. One of the very definitions of the word community is: "A group of interdependent organisms of different species growing or living together in a specified habitat." I love that this definition is applicable to so many different scenarios. It can apply to a group of people simply living in the same town, it can apply to a group of people growing in knowledge of something (like a class in college) or growing in a common interest (like a group of people who all play softball) and it can apply to a group of people who happen to work together.

I have found that there can be a lot of power in community. I believe that there is a direct correlation to the amount of investment each individual is willing to give and how interdependent each person really is, to the amount of power within that community. If there are members of a community that feel superior to the others, the power breaks down. If there are members who are holding back and not fully investing in community, the power breaks down too.

This is why people respond so positively to people who are willing to invest in other's lives in every way. You want to speak into my life on an issue?? Great! But the authority to do so will be increased if you also celebrate with me or cry with me or just be silly with me too. We are so much more than our sanctification needs. This is why kindness leads to repentance....not frustration, or a desire to fix, or to make people a project.

This is also why people don't respond to superiority. You want me to come to your Bible study? Wonderful! I love coming to Bible studies where there is an atmosphere of interdependence and sharing. How do I know when this is in place? When anyone, regardless of marital status, ministry status, or age could be up in front sharing. Or, even better, when the person sharing is sharing out of their own brokenness and realness...this is when real transformational power occurs.

No community outside of the trinity is perfect, but I am praying for full investment and true interdependence in the communities I am already a part of, including myself.

Blessings,

Erin

I Bless the Rain Down in Africa....

2011-04-25T21:05:00.000-07:00

I want to go to Africa. I actually have been dreaming of this continent since I was a little girl.

You see, I grew up going to a Christian and Missionary Alliance church. While our church's focus was unreached people in Southeast Asia, for some reason I always had Africa in my head. I remember in high school a friend went on a mission with Youth With a Mission to an island somewhere in South America. In that moment I knew I had a call to the nations, but because I was so scared about what it meant, I denied it for years. I would think about what it would mean to be a missionary and inevitably my mind would turn toward Africa. I just thought about the worst case scenario, and to me that meant a place that was most unlike the place I live....and I don't think you can get much further from Western Washington than Africa.

Fast forward a number of years and a restored Erin starts to emerge. I actually start to embrace my love for the nations and I am excited about the what it means to GO....and I do "go" a little. Africa is still hovering on the edges of my mind. This is fueled by a blog I read about a 20-something woman in Africa who adopts orphaned and sick babies in Africa. You can see her blog to the left of my blog titled "The Journey."

The good news is that this dream is looking more and more like a reality. The bad news is that a lot of stuff has to fall into place to make it happen.

Here are the details:
The powers that be with the governing body that runs the zoo finally realized that they were losing people in my job classification right and left. To give a little background, my position classification had been listed as "part time temporary" which meant that I did not have benefits and sick leave and that I could be let go at a moment's notice. Others in my similar classification would get hired and leave once a better paying or benefited job came along. In the two+ years I have worked at the zoo I have seen this happen with three people. This is a pretty high turnover rate for a job that really takes a decent amount of time to figure out. So....this winter it was decided that we would officially be reclassified as "career" employees and be given benefits and a raise. So, as of April 1, I now have benefits and sick leave leave.

This is not the end of the good news. While I am not a "full time" employee, I am a 0.9 employee. This is where I have a choice: I can chose to either work 36 hours per week (which is actually four more than I was working) or I can work 40 hours per week and take five weeks of unpaid leave throughout the year.

Since I have to take time off, my plan is to take the five weeks all at the same time in the fall, which is my least busy time of the year. Since I can do this all at the same time, this will enable me to GO somewhere. Specifically, somewhere in Africa.

I'm looking into orphanages, AIDS houses, a hospital, halfway house for women getting out of prostitution/sex trafficking or something like that. I am exploring my options right now. I have lots of contacts within the continent of Africa, specifically in Malawi, Nigeria, Kenya, and South Africa.

The hard part of this is going to be raising money to go. I won't be getting a paycheck for those five weeks, but I'll still have bills at home to pay. Additionally, I'll have expenses in Africa to attend to such as flight and maybe even transportation and housing costs while I am there.

However, the thought of going makes me really excited. Just the possibility encourages me in a way I haven't been in a long time, even more than the trip to Turkey last year.

So, stay tuned for updates on all of this! We'll see how it goes!
Blessings,
Erin

Jane Eyre and other Romantic notions

2011-04-18T13:12:00.000-07:00

I have been accused before of spending too much time thinking/blogging about my singleness, and I realize that lots of my posts are about this particular subject. As a result I have been thinking about this post for a long time before finally deciding to post about. If I was a mom and I posted about mom stuff a lot, no one would blink an eye. If I was a police officer and I posted about crime a lot no one would blink an eye...This is where I am at in life right now, it's what is on my mind, so I am going to quit feeling like I need to apologize for blogging about what is happening in my world.

I made a mistake this weekend. The mistake was thinking I could see a romantic movie and not have it stir up within me longings I do a really good job of suppressing most of the time.

The movie was Jane Eyre, which I think is a widely enough read book and movie that I don't think I'll spoil any of the plot by talking about the movie. The movie, set in the 1840s, is about a girl who goes to be a governess in a house after growing up under some pretty horrible circumstances. Jane is a character I can relate to a lot. She is described as "plain, and a thinking and passionate young woman who is both individualistic, desiring for a full life, while also highly moral." She moves into the home of wealthy Mr. Rochester to teach his ward. Rochester and Jane fall in love, as he is smitten with her straightforwardness, her lack of simpering towards him and her ability to stand her ground in conversations with him. In short, he falls in love with her intellect and character.

Now, Rochester is a capricious character, at best. He fights his feelings for Jane by openly courting another woman in front of her, and he baits her into arguments. However, the thing that strikes me most about this character, and the thing that makes this movie linger with me several days after seeing it is this: he is relentless in his pursuit of her in spite of convention. He falls in love with her as his intellectual equal and does not seem to care about her plainness, lack of wealth or status.

I think in the heart of every women is an intense longing to be pursued. I know that this is true of me. The scenes that run through my head and pierce my heart are the ones in which Rochester cannot seem to help himself and runs after Jane, or the things he says to her, "You transfix me, quite." There is a decided ache in my soul to be pursued in this way.

I had a conversation with a good friend about a gentleman she had been seeing who was not pursuing her. In fact, he was decidedly passive towards her in this area and she had decided to end things with him. In this conversation she told me about a male friend of hers who had said that a "spirit of pursuit comes upon a man when he finds the one he is going to marry." I feel as though I have observed this in many men around me who are now married....they saw and they pursued.

But, I'll be honest. I struggle with knowing how much "being out there" is my responsibility too. I wrestle with questions about what it looks like to put myself out there or how much I am supposed to initiate. I certainly don't feel like I am a hermit, but I also know that I generally wait for guys to start conversations with me.

I read a book called Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye (and as a side-note, I HIGHLY recommend this book for older, single, Christian women. Other than some interpretations of "singleness being a gift," it is a book I would have written on this subject if I was able!), and in it she has a quote: "Therefore, if you are in a room full of people and your eyeballs land on some guy who you think is awfully cute, you just need to keep that comment to yourself and keep right on stepping if he doesn't approach you. Why? Because if he doesn't approach you, he wasn't moved enough by what he saw when he looked at you. "Well, maybe he didn't notice me," you say. Well, if he didn't notice you, all the more reason to leave him right where you found him! If you have to make him notice you, you are starting off on the wrong foot already."

I get what the author is saying, and I have even myself written about how I feel like when a new guy comes around we single women can act like vultures hovering over some fresh road kill, but I still struggle with knowing how much of my longing to be pursued is wrapped up in some romantic notion a la Jane Eyre, how much of it is the Lord's heart for me, and what exactly my role is in the whole thing. Clearly being some princess sitting on her tuffet waiting around for a knight in shining armor on a white horse to ride up and sweep her away, which so many movies and books portray, is not truth. I also don't want to be some bra-burning "Sex and the City" have-my-cake-and-eat-it-too gal. I am finding that there is a LOT of gray area to navigate in between these extremes, and I am finding it really hard to land on truth somewhere in there.

If only there were some "Dating for Dummies" book out there. Maybe I should write one some day.
Blessings,
Erin

Known for...

2011-04-15T15:25:00.000-07:00

My prayer is that it would be said of me after I have died, no matter what I accomplish in this life or no matter what circumstances I have faced, that I leave this world more passionately in love with Jesus than the day before I depart. I would rather be remembered for that than for anything I accomplish or for anything I have overcome.

Forgiveness

2011-04-09T20:25:00.000-07:00

Because I am not Jesus, forgiveness is more like a journey than a destination for me. I know I am getting close to the end of the journey when I can see someone whom I feel has wronged me and genuinely greet them with joy or rejoice in their good news. After the pain of these last few years and all of the friendships I have lost, I am finally arriving at this place. I am so grateful for all of the teaching I have had on this, over the years. I could easily become a bitter and hard woman if not for the power of forgiveness.

Injustices and evil happen every day, sometimes even to me. I chose to forgive not because it absolves the person of what they've done, or sets them free but because it sets *me* free. In the same way I am the main one affected by unforgiveness and bitterness, I am the main one affected by my decision to forgive.

Blessings,
Erin

Do I Have Something on my Face?

2011-03-17T18:04:00.000-07:00

Do you ever wonder how people see you? I mean, not in a morbidly introspective kind of way, but really wonder if how people perceive you matches with how you perceive yourself.

When I was growing up, I went to elementary school with a girl who was sort of socially awkward. I mean, she just didn't "fit in" and what seemed to make it worse was that she was seemingly oblivious to this fact. It seems to be a trend with socially awkward folks...they are almost always the last to know. She was kind of always the fifth wheel and because my school was so small (a total of 10 girls in my whole grade) options for friendship were pretty limited. To top it off, when someone had a party it was pretty easy to know who did or did not get invited. Every once in a while one of the girls would have a party and invite everyone....even "awkward girl."

Ever since then I have always been keenly aware of NOT wanting to be the pity invite or the awkward girl in a group....but sometimes I wonder if I am. I sometimes get this irrational fear that I am saying or doing something that is actually weird and strange. I wonder if I have some sort of booger on my face that no one is telling me about.

In my mind I have this idea about who I am, what I am gifted at, and the plans the Lord has for me....but when I am treated a certain way, or NOT treated a certain way....I sometimes wonder if I'm really the "socially awkward girl"...you know, the one who doesn't even realize that she's not actually who she perceives she is.

I hear a lot that I am real, and genuine, and nice and sweet and warm and caring. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE those things about me, and I see do them too. But, there are other aspects of me that I wonder if I am the only one who sees them. I wonder if they just aren't as great and if I'm not as gifted as I think I am.

I'm hoping I don't have a proverbial piece of spinach between my teeth.
Blessings,
Erin

Kicking Fear to the Curb

2011-02-24T11:51:00.000-08:00

This week I dyed my hair brown. I also pierced my nose. Interestingly, the main response from people who know me has been, "Are you having a mid-life crisis?"

The answer is, "No!" I am not going out and buying a BMW (or any other car) that I can't afford. I'm not running off to Vegas hoping that what happens there stays there. I'm not quitting my job and running off to join an acrobat troupe, nor am I trading in my wardrobe for some goth or emo style. I am still me. Just with a little more bling and a little less blond.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am always up for adventure....I have in the past quit my job and started a preschool, quit my job and traveled for three months in Europe, bought a house at the age of 28 when no one else I knew owned one, traveled to and from various countries alone (China, Turkey, and the UK to name a few) and so many other things.

Once I set my mind to something, there is very often little to dissuade me. I wanted a pond in my back yard, so I grabbed my shovel and started digging. I wanted a deck, so a friend and I built one. I wanted to learn how to ski, so I went up with friends and taught myself how to ski (I did this as a little girl with riding a bicycle too). I bought a new car that was a manual transmission, even though I didn't know how to drive one, I just figured I could learn. Once the decision was made to dye my hair and pierce my nose, I just did it.

Often, the main thing that stops me from doing something is fear. So, when I find myself contemplating something for a long time, and the only reason I'm not doing it is fear...well, sometimes I just find myself pulling the trigger and going for it. Once I recognize that fear is the only thing stopping me, I usually just act. I think this often appears to be a sudden decision, when in actuality the decision has been brewing for sometime.

This week has been that for me. I have been thinking of going brunette for quite a while. I have been thinking of getting my nose pierced at minimum since this summer. Fear of what others would think, fear of change, fear of the unknown, and fear of making a mistake were the only things stopping me from going forward. Rather than being bound by fear, I acted.

I find that sometimes the only way to kick fear in the face is to just go and do the very thing you are afraid of. Very often I have realized that what I had actually been afraid of wasn't that big of a deal to begin with. Fear puffs itself up to worst-case scenario, keeps you paralyzed and stuck.

Joyce Meyers has a quote about courage not being the absence of fear, but being afraid of something and doing it anyway. I love that quote.

Besides, hair dye grows out or can be re-dyed, and if I don't like the nose ring, I can always pull it out and let it heal. So, mid-life crisis? Nope. Now if I go and run off and become a rock band groupie...THEN you can start to worry.

Blessings,
Erin

(PS In NO way am I saying that getting my hair dyed and a nose ring are things truly worthy of some healthy fear....like say being deployed or having a child or moving...they're just my example in this post.)

The Best Fruit of All

2011-02-21T13:25:00.000-08:00

When I was in High School, I was very active in Young Life. I so loved this organization, that I volunteered with them when I was in college. The leaders in my YL club quite literally saved my life. They took me under their wings and helped me through some pretty rough times in high school like the foreclosure of my parent's house and their near divorce, my best friend's decision to have an abortion, and some heartache with school and sports. They saw something in me and invested in me like no one had before.

I remember the wife of this team, Cheryl, telling me the story of how she and her husband met, fell in love and got married. She told me that she and her husband, Dave, had met in February, were engaged by May and married by August. The speed of their courtship shocked me, but the thing that was most surprising to me was what she said next. She told me that right after she and Dave got engaged she prayed that the Lord would give them some sort of trial to go through together. She told me that the relationship had been so blessed up until that point, she felt like she needed to know how they would handle trials and hardships together.

This was such a surprising thing for me to hear as a teen. I'd never before thought of relationships in the light she was presenting them before. I had never considered that relationships might benefit if not outright need to go through testing together and that this could be a good thing for a relationship.

As I have gotten older, the truth of her story has proven itself to me over and over again. Some of the best friends I have are friends that I have had this experience with. I remember a particular tension spot I had with a friend whose wedding I actually ended up being Maid of Honor for. I was terrified that this friction between the two of us would mean the end of our friendship. (I think for relationships that are not on a true, solid foundation, this can and does happen frequently.) Instead, after working through the issue that was causing the conflict between us, our friendship actually ended up being even stronger and more solid than it was before. It was almost as though going through this confrontation drew us even closer together.

I am finding this same principal is the true with our relationship with the Lord.

As I am emerging out of my long season of suffering, I am having continually deeper revelation about the Lord's purposes in allowing us to go through messy seasons.

In my previous view, the sole purpose of these rough seasons was that the Lord allowed them for the sole purpose of character development and to prepare the His chosen ones for greater things. I still believe that those things are true. After all, Job was restored more than was taken, Joseph became second in command of all of Egypt, Ruth gave birth to a man who would be in the lineage of Jesus, and I could go on and on.

However, this is only part of the story! Just like in our human relationships, our times of affliction are more primarily meant to draw us closer, but in this case to the Lord. If our distress breaks our relationship with the Lord, it was never a true relationship to begin with.

I've been taking a closer look at the book of Job...even before the Lord restores Job and gives him back more than was taken, the Lord spends chapter after chapter revealing Himself to Job, He tells Job who He is, and He opens Job's eyes to all that He is and has done.

This is the same lesson I am learning too. As I submit to the Lord's leading and work in my life and focus on Him again, I am entering in to a sweet fellowship and intimacy with Him like I have not had before. I am learning all about Him all over again, and He is revealing Himself to me. My relationship with Him is strengthened and intensified.

If I limit my revelation about seasons of distress only being for character development, then I begin to have a lopsided view of the Lord. Seasons seasons of adversity WILL continue to happen to us over and over. There is no escaping them. We keep repeating these seasons, like a cycle, we repeat them over and over. The difference is that we are meant to go deeper and deeper and deeper; not into a pit of despair but deeper into a well of living water.

The problem with a lopsided view of God's reasons for these seasons is that it paints Him as a hard-driven task master who is only interested in refining our character and making us more like Him. While He IS interested in those things, He is infinitely more interested in developing our relationship with Him. If I only view my trials through this lens, I begin to strive and strain to figure out what's wrong with me or what I'm doing wrong so that I can put an end to this season. If I instead view the ultimate goal of these times as something to draw me closer to the Lord....well, then I can rest more firmly in Christ's arms, abiding in Him, and cooperating with Him in all He wants to do in me.

This, I believe, is the source of peace I am now experiencing....I have realized that my relationship with the Lord has been strengthened and renewed by the last three years even stronger and deeper than it was before. This is even sweeter tasting fruit than any character trait I've developed or any blessing the Lord might have prepared for me.

Blessings,
Erin

Love

2011-02-11T11:14:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day is quickly approaching and as the date comes nearer and nearer, I have been meditating on the love of Christ. He loves me. He loves every part of me, after all, He made me! He loves the awkward, geeky, and gawky sides of me as much as the gifted, "with it," and mature parts of me.

Often when it comes to romantic relationships, when I am interested and hopeful for something to develop with someone, I find myself becoming morbidly introspective: "Did I say the wrong thing?" "Did I do the wrong thing?" "What is the right thing to say or do?" "What if he doesn't like this part of my personality?" "I am too XYZ or too little ABC for him."

Sometimes these thoughts can be good....we can learn about blind spots or things that need to be brought under control of the Holy Spirit when we take a good look at ourselves. For me, though, I tend to spend an inordinate amount of time dissecting and worrying about how I am coming across or who I am.

I have realized, though, that whomever I marry....the very things I am afraid of not being loved are the very things he will love about me. My brain: he'll love that I am smart and have ideas and thoughts....I won't have to hide or downplay this part of me! My passion: he'll love that I am not afraid to be stirred by things and to be emotional about the things that move me. My determination: he'll love that I am not easily dissuaded and that I remain loyal and committed. My communication style: he'll love that I am a teacher in all I say and love to share all I am learning. You see, there are so many things about me that I have felt are, well, wrong...yet, those are the very things that make me, me!

The great news is, the Lord feels that way about me right now. He feels that way about you right now too. What are those things that aren't wrong or sinful that make you the unique person you are that you have felt overlooked or discounted? What are those things that you have felt misperceived in who you are or you felt like you've had to hide? We are uniquely designed, and each of us functioning in our gifting is how we make everyone better.

I am learning to embrace and love the very things about me that I can't (and shouldn't) want to change, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I am learning to see myself the way the Lord sees me. And, that is a good thing.

I love my laugh lines, they mean I have laughed and smiled a lot.
I love my worry lines, they have been earned in concern for others.
I love my gray hairs, they represent wisdom I have gained through experience.
I love my stretch marks, they mean I am mature and no longer a child.
I love my callouses, they have come through hard work and labor.
I love that I forget things sometimes, there are a lot of good memories to fill up my brain.
I love my soft hug, it is a great place to snuggle with my nephews.
I love everything about me that the Lord calls good, it means that He made me that way for a reason and purpose.

Blessings,
Erin

Center

2011-02-10T13:44:00.000-08:00

Almost three years ago, I quit my job, raised support and left all of my "world" behind to go to Europe for three months. The "mission" was to travel to Youth with a Mission bases across the continent and do some teaching and praying for base leaders.

Even before I left for this trip, I was struggling, though I didn't realize just how deeply until much later. The three months in Europe were perhaps some of the hardest months of my life. The issues I was struggling with before I left, I took right with me....leaving was not the answer. In fact, in my opinion, it very rarely IS the answer, though many people seek a change in circumstance when what we really need is a change in our hearts.

Before I left, I was confident that this trip was the "next step" in my calling. How right I was, but how different it looked from what I thought.

I thought that this time in Europe would offer me opportunities to teach. This was and continues to be my "sweet spot" in ministry. I had visions and hopes of being able to do this while I was there.

Not only did I get to do VERY little of this, in the other roles I had on the team I often felt the "least" member of the team. I regularly wondered "what am I doing here?" or felt that just about any other person from our body could be there doing what I was doing. I can hardly remember a more lonely time, or a time I felt more insignificant than I did during those three months. I got to practice multiple times a day forgiveness of others (especially members of the team), dying to my own needs and serving almost 24-hours a day.

By the end of the trip, I was absolutely shattered. Well, I was shattered even before I left, and I came back in absolute pieces. I was tired from three months of non-stop praying, traveling, continual serving, living out of my suitcase, and eating really bad food. All of this was compounded by the fact that I was still dealing with every issue that had been brewing even before I left.

During the last week of the trip, I finally lost it. I was offended at a team member and I simultaneously was dealing with the realization that not only did I not get to do any of what I thought I was going abroad to do, I had actually felt as though what I WAS doing there was not good enough. I remember crying in another team member's room after he kindly told me that we probably couldn't pray if I was struggling.

I remember saying to him at that moment that I needed to learn that "scraping gum off of chairs" was good enough for me if it meant that Kingdom work was being done." I really meant it at the time. It was a hard lesson to learn: here I was on the other side of the world doing ministry that looked nothing like I had hoped it would be, yet victories were being tallied....I should have been thrilled.

To this day I feel like this is a lesson I am continually learning. How do I be content sitting on the sidelines as long as Jesus is winning? How do I care more about the kingdom and the King receiving glory than getting any glory myself? How do I learn to put the 'team's' needs above my own? How do I put the Lord in the center of my heart instead of myself?

This is a lesson I am stil to this day learning. Because, just when I think I have it down, something will come along and knock me off of the throne in my own heart and the pain of it shakes me awake and makes me realize just where I've placed myself. It is a humbling thing to realize that you've once again taken the King's place in your own heart.

This is where I find myself today....realizing just how easy it is to let selfish ambition and personal promotion and "my" calling take over my life.

Oh, Lord, that I would get to the place of needing nothing else but YOU glorified in my life.

Erin

Revelations about Tacoma

2011-02-03T15:30:00.000-08:00

I live in Tacoma. This shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone who's taken the time to read my blog's URL. And, as many of you know, I have been ~~desperate~~ itching to get out of here for a number of years now. I have been in an extended holding pattern to do this, though, which has left me wondering at times, if I'll ever get my chance to see the mission field like I so hope to do. This feeling of being trapped here has been compounded by the fact that over the last few years, many (I can count eight families off the top of my head without even trying that hard) notable families and some singles in my church have left for the mission field. I have felt, as I have bitter-sweetly seen each of them off, whether somehow I had missed out on my chance to go.

Fast forward to Wednesday night at my church's mid-week service. Towards that end of the service, one of our staff members got up to the front and was talking about an encounter he'd had with a notable prophetic voice in the American church and some words this man had to say about Tacoma....having never stepped foot here before in his life. Our staff member reminded us of several words spoken over Tacoma and encouraged us to remember all that the Lord has said about this city over the years. He also urged us to continue to believe...that it is never too late for the Lord to do what He said He would do and asked us to repent of any unbelief we had over this city.

Suddenly, I was struck by this fact: I feel about the words spoken over Tacoma the same way I feel about the words spoken over my own life: distrusting and unsure that the Lord ever will really do what He has said He will do. In that moment, I had a revelation of just how deep this goes with me. I could tell you with all head knowledge "Of course the Lord can and will do what He says He will do" but the truth of the matter, that in my deepest heart, I don't fully believe it. In the same way I don't believe the Lord will fulfill words in my life, I don't believe He'll do it for this city either. I had a connect-the-dots moment at how pervasive this distrust really is. I have felt that Tacoma, like me, is the overlooked and forgotten one and this has been reflected in my actions in so many ways.

My heart broke over just what this has done. Though I am here, I have not invested nor had eyes to see this city the way that I would want people to invest and have eyes to see me. I have treated this city the same way I have been treated: with contempt, pride, and disdain.

Obviously Tacoma is not a person, but it is FULL of people.....and I have neglected the ones right in front of my face. I have not miraculously been transformed into deciding to stay, but I will say this: I have renewed vigor for praying and commitment to the people of this city while I am still here.

Blessings,
Erin

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun?

2011-01-28T14:54:00.000-08:00

The other day I was sick at home and was flipping through the channels looking for a good movie on TV. I happened to stop on a channel I normally avoid at all costs. On this day a particular TV show was on that is very popular with young adults and teens right now. It is a show about a group of friends living together for a summer at a beach for a summer. The TV show was one I'd heard a lot about, and because the stars of this show are famous within pop culture, my curiosity got the best of me and I watched an episode.

The content of this show disturbed me so much that I almost didn't know what to do with myself. In the course of one episode, one of the guys brought home a stranger he'd just met and slept with her, two of the other housemates slept with each other, and one of the girls brought another stranger home to sleep with him. This show was a glorification of partying, sleeping around and I almost felt like I needed to take a shower after watching just a little bit of it, it was that disgusting. THIS is what our youth are idolizing and looking up to. THIS is what is considered normal and fun to them. I about barfed.

I had a former friend, in her "breakup" email to me this fall tell me that I was too hard on myself (probably true) and that I "took life too seriously." She said that I could have a "normal and fun life." She went on to mention several other things that I was doing wrong with my life and criticized several of the choices I had made, what I was doing with my life and some of the things I believed as reasons for not wanting to be my friend any more.

I was, of course, saddened by this email, as this person had been a housemate of mine briefly, and was someone who had kept in touch and encouraged me through a large portion of the fiery season I just came out of. What saddened me as much as her decision to dump me as a friend, was her line about life and the implication that I should, as a Christian, be out there looking and acting like the rest of "normal" society and the implication that I was somehow existing in a bubble of a world in which I did not engage with culture at all.

What I do question is this idea that anyone who is a follower of Jesus can both follow Him to the fullest AND follow the world to the fullest as well. We should not view culture passively, as entertainment, but rather actively engage with it, as it provides insight into world view. We should be innocent, but not naive, because when we are naive become unprepared for how to deal with culture when we do encounter it. There also should be parts of culture that we should have nothing to do with as well as parts of culture we deliberately and thoughtfully engage with.

Do I think life should be devoid of fun? Of course not. But, the truth of the matter is that there are many aspects of life, many seasons of life, many things we are asked to do that are the complete opposite of fun. We do them because they are the right thing to do and because of the maturity and character that they develop.

Do I think life should be nothing but fun? Of course not. But I do take issue with secular humanism infecting our churches. I do take issue with the idea that the sole purpose in life is for this one thing: having fun.

My decision to live without many aspects of culture in my life, and her decision to live with them is one example of why most people are so incredibly confused when it comes to post-modern Christianity.....in most ways we do not look different from culture at all. What need is there, then for people to find Jesus if those who follow Him are not being redeemed themselves and redeeming the culture around them?

Mark Driscoll, pastor of Mars Hill Church in Seattle, recently wrote a blog about this subject and he articulates this much better than I. It's a long read, but well worth it. Here is what he said:

"Historically, and biblically, there are two erroneous extremes that Christians swing between: syncretism or sectarianism.

Syncretists go too far into culture, abandoning or diluting the gospel in the name of relevance. Liberals in the early twentieth century did this by pandering to the high culture of academic modernity and abandoning belief in the inerrancy of Scripture, the supernatural, and the divine nature of Christ. The shells of mainline churches are their legacy. Most recently, the Emergent Church did much of the same as they chased after the postmodern mood of our culture by questioning the virgin birth of Christ, the inerrancy of Scripture, the exclusivity of Christ for salvation, and God’s design for heterosexual marriage.

Sectarians are better known as fundamentalists who impose man-made rules on people in the name of achieving holiness by avoiding sinners and hiding out in a “Christian” culture. They are prone to seeing others sin more easily than their own sins of hypocrisy and religious pride, while arguing about morality when they should be explaining how to be redeemed. Whereas syncretists go too far, sectarians don’t go far enough. Neither follows the entire example of Jesus, though both would disagree passionately.

The general concern of sectarians is that to be in culture is to be in sin. All Christians are commanded by God to avoid universal sins—offenses the Bible condemns for all people in all cultures—as well as particular sins, or offenses that are sinful for some people under some circumstances but not for all people under all circumstances. Christians are to do so without unfairly condemning or restricting the freedoms of fellow Christians who involve themselves differently in controversial cultural matters.....This is, in part, what Paul means throughout the New Testament when he speaks of weak and strong Christians. In truth, every Christian is both weak and strong. We all have some areas in which we need to restrict our freedoms because of our weaknesses, while we are able to use our Christian liberty in areas in which we are strong.

I recognize that Christians will have different personal convictions in matters of culture and I welcome those differences that are not sinful, because what pleases God is unity, not uniformity. Uniformity undermines mission and often is promoted by erroneous restrictive and permissive theologies. Restrictive Christians go too far and name everything a universal sin, forbidding some cultural activities that the Bible does not, such as listening to certain musical styles, getting tattoos, watching movies, smoking cigarettes, consuming alcohol moderately, enjoying some sexual pleasures within marriage, and body piercing. Conversely, permissive Christians tend to name everything a particular sin and bless activities that the Bible forbids, such as drug use, fornication, homosexuality, and cohabitation before marriage.

I’m not advocating either a permissive or a restrictive approach to debatable cultural issues. Rather, I am encouraging Christians to involve themselves in culture not merely for the purpose of entertainment but primarily for the purpose of education. As a missionary, you will need to watch television shows and movies, listen to music, read books, peruse magazines, attend events, join organizations, surf websites, and befriend people that you might not like to better understand people whom Jesus loves. For example, I often read magazines intended for teenage girls, not because I need to take tests to discover if I am compatible with my boyfriend or because I need leg-waxing tips, but because I want to see young women meet Jesus, so I want to understand them and their culture better.

Sadly, a theology of “garbage in, garbage out” remains quite popular but has numerous flaws. First, there is no such thing as a pure culture untainted by sin and sinners, including Christian entertainment, which has had its share of scandalous behavior. One such example is the fact that as I’m writing this blog, the leader of a major Christian television network has publicly confessed to adultery. Second, it is uncertain what distinguishes clean “Christian” and unclean “secular” entertainment forms and why Bibleman is so much better than Spiderman.

Engaging culture requires discernment by God’s people to filter all of the cultures they encounter, Christian and non-Christian, through a biblical and theological grid in order to cling to that which is good and reject that which is evil. As we engage culture (watching films and television, listening to music, reading books, shopping at stores, and so on), we must do so as theologians and missionaries filled with wisdom and discernment, seeking to better grasp life in our culture. We do this so we can begin the transforming work of the gospel in our culture by contextualizing the good news of Jesus. Not compromising. Not changing. Contextualizing. Practically, this means doing what Paul says in 1 Corinthians 9:22–23, “I have become all things to all people, that by all means I might save some. I do it all for the sake of the gospel, that I may share with them in its blessings.” The truth is that every ministry is contextualized, the only difference is to which culture and which year of that culture. Everything from pews to chairs, sound systems, projectors, suits, and a printed Bible in the English language are very recent missiogical contextualizations in light of the two thousand years of Christianity....

One helpful taxonomy I have used for years to help teach on missiology is as follows:

· Receive – There are things in culture that are part of God’s common grace to all people that a Christian can simply receive. This is why, for example, I am typing on a Mac and am going to post this blog on the Internet without searching for an expressly Christian computer or communication format.

· Reject – There are things in culture that are sinful and not beneficial. One example is pornography, which has no redeeming value and must be rejected by a Christian.

· Redeem – There are things in culture that are not bad in and of themselves, but can be used in a sinful manner and therefore need to be redeemed by God’s people. An example that has resulted in a great deal of media attention is sexual pleasure. God made our bodies for, among other purposes, sexual pleasure. And, although many have sinned sexually, as Christians we should redeem this great gift and all its joys in the context of marriage.

As you can see, each issue requires discernment. Liberal syncretists tend to receive too much. Fundamental separatists tend to reject too much. So, while I would reject yoga because it is a Hindu worship act, it is possible for the Christian to redeem some of the exercise principles, as my friend, Rose, extols. Likewise, it’s not a sin to watch a film such as Avatar, enjoy the technological mastery, and learn about how to tell a great story. But, it is imperative for a Christian to not embrace the blatant pagan worldview that does not distinguish between Creator and creation, upon which the entire storyline of the film is constructed.

That said, is it possible to appreciate the musical and entrepreneurial talent of Jay-Z without praising his character or beliefs? Yes. Is it possible to watch and listen to Jay-Z to learn about culture, what people are valuing, and why some men have much larger audiences than any preacher because of how they present their message? Yes. Should Christians agree with the every message he and other artists present? No. Should Christians who like rap check out guys I have enjoyed getting to know a bit, such as Lecrae? Yes. Should all Christians listen to Jay-Z? No. Should Jay-Z sit down and talk to me about Jesus? Yes. Jay-Z, whenever works for you is good for me, and if need be I’d even watch a Nets game."

AMEN!

I read a friend's facebook post today of a translation of Galatians 5:13-26. This translation was from "The Message." This translation is not the most accurate of translations on a good day, but sometimes when you just want a nice, big-picture idea, "The Message" can't be beat. Here's the translation:

It is absolutely clear that God has called you to a free life. Just make sure that you don't use this freedom as an excuse to do whatever you want to do and destroy your freedom. Rather, use your freedom to serve one another in love; that's how freedom grows. For everything we know about God's Word is summed up in a single sentence: Love others as you love yourself. That's an act of true freedom. If you bite and ravage each other, watch out—in no time at all you will be annihilating each other, and where will your precious freedom be then?

My counsel is this: Live freely, animated and motivated by God's Spirit. Then you won't feed the compulsions of selfishness. For there is a root of sinful self-interest in us that is at odds with a free spirit, just as the free spirit is incompatible with selfishness. These two ways of life are antithetical, so that you cannot live at times one way and at times another way according to how you feel on any given day. Why don't you choose to be led by the Spirit and so escape the erratic compulsions of a law-dominated existence?

It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on.
This isn't the first time I have warned you, you know. If you use your freedom this way, you will not inherit God's kingdom.

But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.

Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in the way. Among those who belong to Christ, everything connected with getting our own way and mindlessly responding to what everyone else calls necessities is killed off for good—crucified.

Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives. That means we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives. Each of us is an original.\

Blessings,
Erin

The Lord was Pleased to Bruise Him

2011-01-03T10:57:00.000-08:00

The last few years have been the crushing of me.

If you are a follower of Jesus, it is His pleasure to crush you too.

This fact is a part of following Jesus that I balk and buck at. I am not equipped to understand a loving father who allows His sons and daughters to be bruised.

Yet, it is clear that if I am to be made into the likeness of Jesus, I must go through the same things He did.

Isaiah 53:10 states: "The Lord was pleased to bruise him; he has put him to grief; when he makes himself an offering for sin, he shall see his offspring, he shall prolong his days; the pleasure of the Lord shall prosper in his hand."

If I look throught the Bible, it is filled with saints who have gone before me who were also crushed.  I can be crushed in a firey furnace like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego.  I can be crushed in a jail cell like Daniel and Joseph.  I can be crushed in the desert like Abraham, Jacob, Moses and Elijah.  Or I can be crushed in the valley like David. Then there's Jonah, Job, Ruth.....

Everyone's journey to being broken looks different. There are no two ways exactly the same for the Lord to get me to the spot He wants me. He allows me to have a journey uniquely crafted just for me to get me right where He wants me.

And, just why would it be his pleasure to do this? It is because I must have my selfish ambition crushed.  I must have my pride, my idolatry, my rebellion, my people-pleasing, my insecurities, and my flesh purged. This is the only way he can take me and remake me. When I get to the spot of pure broken-ness, that is when I am truly and fully sumbitted and ready to be recreated in His image.

He desires a spotless bride. He desires for me to have Godly character and holiness.  He cannot entrust His kingdom to untested people. Just like no one would leave their child with a selfish, thoughtless, or rebellious babysitter, there is no way the Lord will entrust His people to those who don't have proven character.

I cannot do this on my own, though. There is nothing in me that wants to give things up; especially if it involves pain or suffering to do so. If I am completely honest, I only want the easy parts of following the Lord. Don't get me wrong, there is joy and peace and celebration and love and kindess and provision and blessing to following the Lord!  However, it is necessary to see that sometimes the GOOD plan of the Lord is to allow trial, pain, and suffering. If I seek to avoid this, I completely miss out on a whole portion of the Lord's character. I do not have a full understanding of the Lord until I have walked with Him through a time of being pressed.

To "pick up my cross" means that I, like Jesus, submit to the will of the Father and allow Him to nail to that tree everything in me that is dark and vile.  The cross represents the fullness of life that I gain by allowing the Lord to do this. The cross represents everything that is good and the opposite of my wicked and deceitful heart. The very definition of being a Christian is that I admit that I am a sinner in need of a savior. I cannot say I needed a savior only that one time. I need a savior every day. And so, I nail to the cross daily my will and sin. Some things are harder and more painful to do this to.....this is why it can take a chastisement for me to be willing to give them up.

It was God's pleasure to crush Jesus. This is the way of the Lord: to crush His saints in order to rebuild them. Jesus had to go through this in order to identify with us in this way, though this is not the only reason for it. It helps me to understand that even God in human flesh understood what it means to suffer. (Please understand that I know there was an even greater reason for this....but it cannot be overlooked that the Lord allows this to happen to all those who are called.)

When I count it pure joy to face trials....I am not rejoicing in the trial itself. I am rejoicing in what it is PRODUCING within me. I am becoming more like Christ, and if I suffer like Him, I will be resurrected like Him. I rejoice because I am being qualified for MORE. I rejoice because there is fruit in my life from suffering. I rejoice because I am gaining a greater understanding of who the Lord is. It is in these things that I rejoice.

"But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.  Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me." Philippians 3:7-12.

The last few years have been the crushing of me. This is not the end of the story though. And while my season of crushing is over, I am eternally grateful for the deep lessons learned and would not trade back anything lost in that season for all that I have gained. I pray it would be His pleasure to crush you too.

Blessings,
Erin

A Year in Reflection

2010-12-27T11:06:00.000-08:00

Like almost everyone, as the year winds to a close, I seem to do a lot of reflecting on the previous year. It is almost funny how circumstantially life is almost identical to the same time last year.

I:
-still live in the same house with the same housemates.
-still long to be on the missions field.
-still work at the same job at the zoo.
-still have two health issues I have not been healed from.
-still long to be married and have kids.
-still watch every cent as it comes in and out of my account.
-still keenly feel the lack of fellowship in my life.
-still continue to lose friends over the course of this year.

However, this year has been surprising as well.

I started last year:

-desperately hoping to leave Tacoma. Upon having an opportunity to do so, I turned it down. Who would have guessed that? I had an opportunity to move to Kansas City to be involved in a ministry there. I have also had opportunities to join YWAM and have not done so. Staying in Tacoma was the biggest act of faith I made this year. Trusting Jesus to move me into missions on HIS timing and not my own has been one of the hugest leaps this year. I did, however, get to go to Turkey this last year.

-pretty committed to a couple of ministries. I am now no longer involved in those things. This is likely just a pause and not permanent, who would have predicted that it would happen at all? Especially considering how much of my significance I put in what I was doing.

-searching for friendships with people who weren't reciprocating. I am now focusing on those people already in my life and reconnecting with some old friends, spending time on people who actually want to be friends with me, and remembering what it means to BE a friend.

-longing to be married. This year has brought some dating opportunities. None of these have panned out for lots of different reasons, but the fact that I am "out there" at all feels strange at times, and at times disheartening and frustrating.

-financially sinking. A great renegotiation with my mortgage company, two raises at work, and getting my budget under control while simultaneously becoming a couponing queen have helped get this area at least manageable.

-physically hurting. A little over a year ago, I tore my rotator cuff. Last year at this time, I was in pretty severe pain with it, and could barely lift my arm over my head. I also, due to another physical issue, had gained back about 25 of the 50 pounds I lost a few years ago. Back in June, I started working out with a trainer. I could barely afford this, but knew it was needed. Six months later, my rotator cuff, while not healed, is significantly improved by strengthening the muscles around it and I have dropped between 15-20 of the pounds I regained. My other physical issue has not been addressed, but I am feeling much better physically.

-broken in my relationship with the Lord. This is an something I didn't even realize at the beginning of the year. But, as the year draws to a close, this is one area I have to say has become a source of joy and peace I didn't know I was missing. By doing the exact opposite of what I thought I should be doing and focusing on Him instead of activities about Him....this has made all the difference. It seems so basic, so elementary, but when I have focused on keeping the first commandment first....the peace and joy flow from that. When I am NOT at peace with my life or myself...that is a barometer of where I am focused and where I am finding my significance. The last three to four months of this year have been some of the most peaceful and stable that I can remember in a long time.

Every year I pray about what I am hoping will happen for the upcoming year. This year I am 6 for 10. I was praying to get to travel abroad...I got to do this. I was praying about dropping the weight I'd gained back...I got to to do this. I was praying about getting an opportunity to do some teaching...I got to do this. There are a few others in the list that I got to check off and a few key ones that I didn't. I think last year I was 3 or 4 out of 10. So, I am improving! Next year, let's hope I am 10 for 10!

Blessings to you and yours in this upcoming year!
Erin

Strength and Security

2010-12-19T21:11:00.000-08:00

It takes a strong, secure woman to be a single woman of a certain age and love Jesus. And, I love Jesus. I really, really do.

It takes strength and security to watch all of your friends walk down the aisle on their wedding day and not be jealous and angry that it's not you. It takes a lot of strength and security to realize that the only single people available to hang out with are at minimum five years younger than you and that means that the relationships you have with them will be on their terms, not yours. It takes a lot of strength and security to recognize that your married friends with kids will also be friendships on their terms, not yours. It takes strength and security to continue to put yourself out there, day after day and remain hopeful and joyful over your circumstances.

It takes strength and security because everything about singleness at later ages in life speaks to every single insecurity that a woman has: is there something wrong with me, am I beautiful, does anyone want to truly know me, will I be loved...etc, etc. And, yes, Jesus fills these needs. But, there is a real dimension of the heart that cries out for earthly relationships too.

And, the longer hope is deferred the easier it feels to look everywhere else for those answers.

This is why it takes strength. It takes strength to stand firm in your convictions and your devotion to Jesus. It takes strength to fight against the lies that plague you and continue to hold on desperately to the truth. It takes strength to say that "It is worth it" and mean it. It takes strength to stay joyful and peaceful and grateful in the face of circumstances.

So, if you know a woman who is single and older....pray for her. Pray that she would be strengthened and not give up. Pray that she would cling to Jesus.

And, if you are so inclined, embrace her, invite her into your life, check in on her and make sure she's OK. Make sure she knows she's wanted and needed and important.

Those little gestures go a long way.

Blessings,
Erin

Adventures in Dating

2010-12-06T15:15:00.000-08:00

I have decided that the world of online dating needs its own vocabulary to describe some of the folks one runs across. These are written as "guys" but probably apply to women too...I just don't have any experience in that arena! With no futher ado, here's my proposed list of new vocab words:

1. The creeper. The guy who sends you an email when you clearly have nothing in common and all he says is "You are a goddess. You are in my dreams from now on." And this is supposed to attract me? Ewwww... There are lots of these online and wading through the creepers to get to the genuine ones is what makes online dating so tiring.

2. The professor. The guy who sends you an email picking apart your profile and pointing out all of the grammar mistakes or "awkwardly worded" phrases. And then he wants to get to know you better.

3. The ghost. The guy who has no profile picture and can't seem to a. understand why you'd like to see one and b. keeps writing you, even after you've told him you only respond to people with pictures.

4. The spammer. The guy who "winks" at you, but due to your account settings, you can tell he's not actually read your profile. These guys, I have found out, send out winks to many many women at a time, hoping to get a response.

5. The Houdini. The guy you have lots of stuff in common with and everything is progressing nicely, and yet when it comes time to actually meet....he disappears.

6. The slowpoke. This is the guy who takes for-e-ver to respond to emails or communication. Just when you've given up, he appears again.

7. The fudger. This is the guy who's profile looks great...everything seems to line up, yet when you ask key questions (like "What are your feelings on pre-marital sex?"), or when you meet with him his true colors show ("I believe sex is a normal part of a dating relationship" and he swears like a sailor while talking about drinking and getting fired from all his jobs).

There might be more.....these are just a few from my more recent dating experiences.

Erin

World Map of Your Matches

2010-11-29T11:21:00.001-08:00

As most of you know, I have been venturing into the world of online dating.....I have actually gone out with some folks I have met online. I might post more about that later. One of the sites I have been using sent me the following email. I thought it was hilarious. Especially since I happen to live in one of the states they mention as the worst for me based on my answers. They also must think I am Muslim. Enjoy!

We just finished programming this experimental toy. It generates heat maps of where your best male matches are, all around the world and the USA. Here are your results. All for you. Calculated from your match answers. In graphical form. Enjoy!

A Map of Love: your best male matches by state

target: USA | sampled: 23526

Your Worst States

Oregon — 47.0

California — 47.9

Massachusetts — 48.0

Washington — 49.0

Vermont — 49.0

Your Best States

North Dakota — 62.2

Arkansas — 58.7

Nebraska — 58.3

Mississippi — 57.7

Alabama — 56.6

A Map of Love: your best male matches by country

target: World | sampled: 18744

Your Worst Countries

Austria — 42.0

United Kingdom — 42.3

France — 43.6

Australia — 45.3

Switzerland — 45.9

Your Best Countries

Saudi Arabia — 72.3

Indonesia — 71.0

Egypt — 68.3

Singapore — 67.9

Pakistan — 66.8

Victim, Conqueror, or Overcomer

2010-11-09T10:33:00.000-08:00

Last spring, on my trip to Turkey, I had an opportunity to watch "The Blind Side" both on my way to Turkey and on my way home. I had never seen this movie before. I bawled at the end of it both times I watched it.

It was a movie that stuck with me even when I returned. I wondered about this boy, Michael Oher, and wondered what it was about him (besides an amazing family stepping in) that allowed him not to get sucked into the life as it had been dealt him (which would have been easy to do) or to become angry and resentful. What was it about him that allowed him to rise above?

Each one of us has trials in life. There is no way out of this fact. Proponents of prosperity gospel or even the hedonistic philosophies of our modern world say we should try as hard as we can in life to avoid pain and pursue pleasure and happiness as our highest calling. They say life should be about fun and getting as much out of it as possible. You would not believe how many people, like Job's friends so full of themselves, have told me that I just need to take life less seriously and have more fun.

I find it interesting how people become so quick to tell you what you should be doing and draw from their own experiences as though the Lord has you on the same path as they are. While I don't believe life is a somber, serious, negative thing....there are seasons of this. I would wonder what people who have this view of life do when they enter their own season like I have been in? Go to more movies? Drink with their friends some more? Watch more reality television? Sleep with more people?

I call these people the "conquerors" of their life....they are out to escape, prove themselves and be in control of their own life. They are just as enslaved to their circumstances as those who remain "victims" to their life.

Like a person who grows up in poverty and spends every waking moment of their life obsessed with getting rich, or the chubby kid who loses weight and becomes addicted to exercise, or the adult whose childhood is spent with lots of rules and regulations who spends the rest of their life in the pursuit of pleasure.....if we swing this direction we are still, ultimately, controlled by circumstances.

It is always tempting to fall into this mentality. "God's not helping, so forget Him, I don't need Him. I'm single, so I might as well just go out and date anyone. I don't have any heart friends, so I am just going to go out with XYZ gals who don't really care for me at all..." Well, you get the picture.

At the other end of the spectrum is a "victim" mentality. This is the one that I have been living in. Like Job's wife, I have wanted to "curse God and die" and been sitting on my ash heap scraping my wounds waiting, waiting, waiting.. Sometimes waiting is a good thing, but I have been waiting for God to rescue me OUT of my circumstances instead of seeing me THROUGH my circumstances. The victim role is one that is easy to play. Everywhere we look people are blaming everyone and everything else for life being the way it is. We all tend to all look for the easy way out and the victim role is one that lends itself to this idea. Victims are the self-pity experts. They look to blame anyone and everyone for their lot in life and tend to stay "stuck" where they are. They too are controlled by their circumstances.

The thoughts of the victim are things like, "I was hurt, so I quit trusting people. I have a health issue, I'll never get better...." Well, again, you get the picture.

Both of these reactions to our life circumstances leave us just as tied to, just as enslaved to, just as controlled by our trials and circumstances. But, somewhere in between these two extremes is another kind of mentality. This is the life of an overcomer. This person lives free from circumstances, free from their trials, and free from this life.

This is the person I want to be.

I want to be like the Michael Ohers of the is world.....I'm not there yet, but I'm hopeful to rise above, to learn, to grow, to change....

Blessings,
Erin

Put Me in Coach?

2010-11-08T12:27:00.000-08:00

I haven't written in a while, OK, a LONG while. This isn't because I don't have thoughts going, on. In fact, just the opposite. I have so many thoughts swirling that I have been a bit "paralyzed" on what to write down.

I am still firmly on my journey of peace. It has been tempting, as it always is, when a measure of peace comes to begin to fall back into things that used to "work" before. My softball coach used to say that it took 60 days to start a new habit when he would try to teach us something new. Sixty days for something to become a part of who you are and not to have to think about it any longer.

Sports analogies always seem to help explain what's going on with my life. So, I would describe my season as having taken myself out of the game, so to speak.

I liken my life prior to this as being in a softball game, but sitting on the bench. I was like a little kid hopping up and down saying, "put me in coach!" Whether it was in relationships or ministry or any aspect of life, really....I never really felt like I was actually in the game and "making plays." I wrote about this same feeling a while ago regarding singleness (http://erinintacoma.blogspot.com/2010/01/pick-me-pick-me.html), but really the feeling had extended into almost every area of life.

The disappointment of constantly being overlooked had just become too much. So, I have taken myself out of the game and put myself up in the spectator section for a while.

In this season of sitting things out, I am finding out a lot about myself....what I am truly interested and passionate about, what I truly think of myself, what I truly think of the Lord, which friends are *truly* there for me, and a lot else. I am discovering I'm pretty opinionated, that it really feels a LOT better when you just don't give a flying flea what anyone else thinks of you, that it is OK if people misunderstand you...and a whole lot more.

It is strange to be re-discovering these things right now, but I am finding that there's no such thing as a life that doesn't constantly have you learning and growing...and taking 60 (or more) days to learn a new habit.

Blessings,
Erin

Peace Like a River

2010-10-13T14:18:00.000-07:00

There's an old-school song that has a line, "I've got peace like a river, I've peace like a river, I've got peace like a river in my soul." The tune carries on to "love like an ocean," and "joy like a fountain." This tune, when it gets in your head is pretty hard to get out. It has always seemed funny that peace is likened to a river in this song. To me, peace is more like a placid lake than a swiftly moving river. The metaphor is one that I have never quite understood.

This is the tune that has been running through my head for several weeks now.

I don't claim to be there quite yet, but I am certainly at a level of peace I have not been in quite some time.

It is amazing what cutting some things out, and focusing on one day at a time, one situation at a time, one person at a time, and really really really getting back to basics will do.

My schedule has never been so free of committments in months, maybe years. I am OK with that, where in the past it wouldn't have been. I had spent so much time making those committments my identity and significance, to have nothing there would have meant a blow to me. In fact, there are some invitations to things I have *turned down* because honestly, going to that event would have been for those same wrong reasons. In the past I would have shown up to any and all event I was invited out of fear. In the place of some of those committments I have been doing some things differently:

I have been re-connecting with friends I have not connected with in a looooong time. And, I am doing it with no expectations and no agenda and with a joy at them being in my life like I have not had before. It feels great. Some of these people are in very different situations in life than I am, and in the past I would have just thought that meant we couldn't spend time together. Sure, it looks different, and in some cases it means we are skyping instead of meeting face-to-face, but I am re-discovering what it means to be a friend. I have been so focused on my own pain these last few years, that I have put myself first and expected others to come to my rescue. It feels good to get back to some sense of what it really means to be *me* in friendships.

I have been re-discovering things that bring me life. I have been baking a lot, which I used to love to do but never had time. I have been reading more. I have time to exercise because fitting it in amongst my schedule isn't as hard. I have started couponing (after taking a class) because it is such an easy way to save money. I have contemplated taking a language class at TCC because I have always wanted to learn a foreign language. I have contemplated taking an international trip JUST TO DO IT, because I love traveling. I went to Illinois to visit my brother and his family because I love them so much, and for no other reason than to just go.

I have been getting back to basics on loving the Lord with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength and loving my neighbor as myself. I have started downloading podcasts onto my iPod and listening to sermons when I run. I have fallen in love with this! It is amazing to me how much easier my runs are when I am concentrating on something! My favorite to listen to is Joyce Meyers right now. She's full of depth and wisdom, but super funny too. I even play podcasts on my way into work sometimes. Granted this drive is only 15 minutes, but it has put me into a different frame of mind at work. I have started taking notes during sermons at church again, something I used to do, but had gotten out of the habit with over the last few years. There is more work in this area, but my Word intake is better than it's been in quite some time.

The "love your neighbor as yourself" part of that verse is a harder one for me right now. Serving has always been wired in me. However, I am pausing on serving in a formal ministry capacity right now. So, I am re-digging into loving those around me and those right in front of me. Again, this is pretty basic, but something I am re-discovering. I suspect at some point I will be involved in a formal ministry again, but I am trusting the Lord to do it and to show me when and where to do this again.

I read a blog from a friend who is going through a rough season as well and I am going to post an exerpt from her blog because I think it says a lot about where I have been over the last few years and the reasons I have been so honest in my posts.

"I know that the brutal honesty in my blogging opens the door for people to form opinions, be critical of where I am at, and share their "advice." But I HAVE to chronicle the reality of where I'm at now so that I can look back later and see the full picture. I KNOW that redemption will come. I KNOW that my heart will heal and I will be able to pour myself whole-heartedly into the next foster child that walks through our door. I want to be able to say "look what the Lord has done!" And in order for that to happen, it is only fair to chronicle what He is GOING to pull us out of! :) He will not leave this process unfinished. I know that He will not allow me to flop around like a fish outta' water for long. He WILL restore our hearts and I WILL boast of His grace to our family. Is He trying to bring me to an even greater place of desperation and dependence on Him? Yup. Do unfortunate things just happen sometimes because of the world we live in? Yes. Do we ever see the full picture in the midst of challenging circumstances? Unlikely. Do our hearts hurt sometimes? Um, yes."

I am so grateful for the rocky season I've been in because it has taught me so much that I know that I know that I know I would never have learned any other way. The lesson isn't fully over yet, but I am more hopeful now than ever before.

Blessings,
Erin

Unoffendable: Easier Said Than Done

2010-09-25T18:48:00.000-07:00

A number of years ago I was having a conversation with a friend about my frustration with another friend and my inability to help her with a chronic area in need of breakthrough. This friend said something to me that has stuck with me. The essence of it was this: sometimes people, when they experience trauma or have major heartache at a certain age, stall out in their development at that age. They learn coping skills and strategies that 'work' and tend to be unable to move beyond those into mature and "adult" methods of dealing with hurt and conflict.

I have been thinking a lot about this this week because I sometimes feel like I am stuck at a 13-year-old's emotional maturity. This isn't always true, but when my feelings are hurt or I am offended or feel overlooked, some of the "immature" emotions come out. It makes me wonder just how much damage rejection as a teenager really did to me based on how strong these emotions and reactions can be. Just like my friend who was stuck in some areas...this is an area I frequently feel stuck in immature patterns too.

Case in point. There is a wedding happening today. In fact, as I am typing this, I am sure the reception is well under way. To hear the skuttle about this wedding from just about everyone, this is set to be the "wedding of the year."

Why am I not there? I did not get invited. Just about everyone else from the church I attend DID get invited, but I did not.

There was a day when people might have just told me to "just show up" at the wedding, but I happened to have emailed the bride to find out if there was a chance I could come even though I was not invited (was this rude of me?....I'm not sure...but I did not want to just show up, and I did not want to assume anything, so I emailed her to find out if there was a chance I could come...so, rude of me, I don't know? What do you think?) and was told that they were going to "stick with their original invite list."

This is where the 13-year-old emotions start to come out....I am angry that I wasn't invited, I am disappointed, I am hurt......thoughts of "what have i done that they don't like me? what's wrong with me? why don't I fit in? I'm just not going to ever talk to them again..." Well, you get the picture.

A few weeks ago I had breakfast with a friend and she challenged me: do you want to *be* a friend or do you want the *appearance* of being friends? This got me thinking. Am I disappointed that I am missing out on this event because of what it means for ME or am I genuinely disappointed to miss out because I really want to see these two people get married ? And, I have to be honest, there is a large part of me that wants to be at this wedding not because of the bride and groom, but because of myself and what *I* am missing. Selfish, eh?

I think some of my feelings are understandable. A very large portion of my social circle is at this wedding and I am not. Not only that, I have been left out very intentionally. Some of my feelings could easily be justified.

But, I am trying my best to move on to adult ways of coping: forgiving, being unoffendable, giving the benefit of the doubt, praying for this couple, and spending the afternoon with another good friend who did not go.

Sometimes, being an adult is a lot easier said than done.

Blessings
Erin

Revelation: My Need for Heart Surgery

2010-09-15T12:59:00.000-07:00

In the last month or so a lot has happened. You'd probably never notice this by looking at the circumstances of my life. Life looks very similar today, if not identical, to how it looked a month ago. That is because most of the things that have happened are internal, not external.

In the beginning of August I received a phone call from Call2All followed within a week by an email....would I please please please reconsider coming out to Kansas City to work for them? Would I consider committing to 8 week for a training course and then see what happens after that? Would I receive some help fund-raising and a slash in the cost of the course and come out for eight weeks? Please please please?

Feeling oh-so-flattered....I worked my tail off on my end to try to make it work: Would I be able to take a leave of absence from my job for 8 weeks (crossing the bridge of what to do after the 8 weeks if necessary)? Could I get my house rental-worthy if my current housemates decided to move out once I was gone? Could I financially live off of my meager savings for those 8 weeks? What to do with my stuff if my housemates decided to move out? What to do with my cats while I would be gone? Which rental agency to rent my house with if I should go.....on and on. So, with all of the wheels in motion....I prepared to go. I got everything in order and needed to make my decision by Sept. 1, so that I could give my housemates time to look for a new place if that's what they decided and time to train my fill-in at work.....

On August 30 I was 90% sure I was going, but by August 31, I had decided to stay in Tacoma. Why, you might ask? Here's an excerpt from an email sent to a good friend:

....I got your vm and as it turns out, I am not going to KC. I have just had a lot of revelation on the difference between running away from something versus running towards something.....I was not that excited about KC....should have been a clue that I was running away rather than feeling called to something.

What have I been running away from? Well, life circumstances aren't great, but probably more significant is that I was running away from how incredibly insignificant I feel right now. So, in the midst of a raging battle with insignificance, I basically get "courted" by call2all...it just really fed the gaping hole in my heart that was struggling, even though it was not something I felt particularly called to nor that excited about. Just the fact that they wanted me felt flattering and fun.

I decided not to go. My heart feels sliced open and I am pretty miserable. Especially since my circumstances have not changed, and now I am left reeling from this revelation of just how deep and all-encompassing my insignificance is and how I do just about everything not to feel it.

I have told so many people in prayer times that if they were "paralyzed on a bed" they would be just as significant as if they were up and able to "do" things (ministry etc.) and now I feel like I am learning myself a greater depth of what that means. I literally have nothing left to feel significant about: no ministry, not in my job, no friends, not in how I look, not in finances, not in anything. And, the comfort I've taken in filling that significance void with things or activities or people is gone, and it hurts. I literally don't think I know how to survive without the false comfort. I realize some of that stuff is important (like friendships etc.), but I really feel like the Lord has stripped it all away.

That email was sent two weeks ago now and the work in my heart continues to be very deep. I am realizing just how much of my worth is put in the activities I do, the people I call friends and the titles I have. God, in His mercy, has taken a lot of that away and I am left with just me and Him.

The thing is, I have gotten really good at filling the void over the years. A lot pain of the last two+ years has been the gracious hand of God first revealing and then stripping away the things I have held dear so that all I am left with is just He and I. I am stunned at the depth and breadth of my insignificance. I literally look to anything and everything but the One who can truly fill me to feed my soul. As I have realized...all of that is temporary. Take things, activities and people away and I have found myself like a scared little kid grasping on to every little thing I can to feel better. How deceived I have been.

I am getting back to basics. I am cutting out every activity I have on my agenda just for the sake of having an activity. I am seeking the Lord on who He wants me to be friends with and focusing on just being "me" within that friendship and with others around me. I am spending as much time as possible focusing on my relationship with the Lord, which is really what has been broken in the first place. I am focusing on the things that bring me LIFE rather than those things I think people want or expect me to do. I am re-learning to trust the Lord and His goodness and faithfulness in my life, regardless of how it looks on the outside. I am focusing on reading my Bible, and worshiping, and re-learning the basics of just WHO He is and just who He says I am.

I am throwing out false labels, I am throwing out other's opinions of me (including, and probably more importantly my own opinions of me), I am throwing out expectations and preconceived ideas, I am throwing out the past, I am throwing out future worries.

I am working on today. Just today. It seems to simple, yet the work being done within my heart feels deep and intimate. The heart surgery is not done yet. Please be praying that it would be a complete and lasting work.

Blessings,
Erin

Prayer Request

2010-09-07T07:21:00.000-07:00

I don't want to write too much...if you know me you can email me and I can fill you in....but, please pray for me. I am spiraling to about as low of a point as I have been in the last few years, and I am desperate to stop before I get to that place again. I would covet any prayers you might send my way.

Thanks, friends.
Erin

To Blog Or Not to Blog, That is the Question

2010-08-22T21:42:00.000-07:00

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows from people you don't want reading your blog....

Ok, I took a little liberty with that quote but you get the point.

You are not anonymous on the internet. In fact, you are not anonymous on my blog. If you have ever scrolled down to the bottom of my page, you'll notice a "stat counter." This is a very handy little gaget and you can find out a LOT about the people who are reading your blog....where they logged in from (city and state and country), how long they stayed on, if they clicked on any of your links or read any of your comments among other things....it really is handy. I can't find out your home address nor who you are for sure, but it doesn't take a lot of deductive skills to figure out some things.

For example, my "troll" I call her, who has posted some, ummm, argumentative comments on my blog before. Yep, 99.9% sure I know who she is based on where she's logging in from and how she "found" my blog in the first place. Or, the co-worker who checked my blog while she was on vacation. Pretty sure sure she was the only one in Mexico checking my blog that week. Yes, co worker, I know you're reading my blog too.

So, these things have made me stop and ponder....what I write down and publish here is really out there for the world to find, if they want to. I mean, I even have a link on my facebook page should anyone do any investigating there. The question I am asking is: what am I really willing to have available for anyone to read? And, do I care if people I might not want reading my personal stuff read my personal stuff. I mean, my blogs are pretty darn personal. Do I really want people who are only casually in my life getting insite into the private inner workings of my heart? I am just not sure.

Most people who blog have some sort of "theme" they go with: they blog about politics or scrap-booking or movies or...well, you get the picture. Thus far the "theme" of my blog is, obviously, me.

So, readers....would love your thoughts on this subject and what you think about blogging even though people to whom you might not want to reveal the inner workings of your heart are reading....

Blessings,
Erin

Every Once in a While Things Go Your Way

2010-08-08T14:13:00.000-07:00

As every homeowner knows, a house is a never-ending project list. Sometimes those projects are as simple as a twice-yearly cleaning of the gutters or replacing the furnace filters. Other times the projects are more complicated.

Recently, in anticipation of renting my house (which may or may not be happening depending on what I decide to do), I undertook a few medium-sized projects such as replacing a few light fixtures, regrouting some tile and replacing a faucet that whose handle had broken. In the replacement of the faucet, the handyman who was helping me out ran across a problem....in reconnecting the sink, a leak formed between the plumbing and the wall. This, in true older home form, led to a larger problem. It seems that the connection between the plastic of the p-trap and the metal drain pipe had corroded and could not be reconnected. This was beyond the scope of what my handyman could fix and he suggested calling a plumber. He gave me the name of a man he had used before and told me to call him.

Facing life without a bathroom sink in a one-bathroom house, I gulped (thinking of the cost for plumbers), did a quick mental calculation in my head (which involved the use of some negative balances) and called the number he'd given me. The next day, Ron the plumber came out to take a look and quoted me a price of $250. After picking myself up off the floor I smiled politely and asked how to contact him if I decided to go with him, thinking I'd get a few more quotes.

Ron smiled back and basically said, "Tell you what, since Bryan has sent so much business my way, I can give you a discount and go with $200." Still knowing this was a lot of money, but knowing how much plumbers charge an hour I decided to just go for it. I asked how it worked to book him....did I schedule now for a later date? I also explained that I didn't have the money right now and wouldn't for a few more weeks until payday (and even then it would mean eating top ramen and instant oatmeal for a month)....he said he could come out on Sunday and just send me a bill later.

So, today Ron and his co-worker James came out. They were in and out very quickly and the job was done thoroughly and cleanly. As they were leaving I asked Ron if he had my address so that he could send me an invoice.

He then said, "I do, and I think just with the cost of the part and gas to come out here it will come to about $20." I about fell over again! Making sure I'd heard him correctly I asked, "You aren't going to charge me for labor?" He repeated the line about Bryan sending him a lot of work and he said..."and clearly you needed help."

After they left and I shut the door I about broke down.

Sometimes, just sometimes in life, things go your way, praise the Lord.

Now, onto the rest of my honey-do list.

Erin

Sheesh

2010-08-07T21:38:00.000-07:00

It is the cowardly road to take potshots at an organization or group of people...anyone can lob "bombs" from a distance, and everyone's a critic. It takes real courage and sacrifice to change an organization from the inside out. It's the men and women who do the back-breaking and sometimes heartbreaking labor of seeing an something change who should be applauded, not those who sit from their couches and nit pick everything apart.

No More Facebook

2010-08-02T13:42:00.000-07:00

I have decided to delete my facebook page. I am not sure yet whether this will be a temporary thing, or permanent. I will have to see how it goes.

Facebook has increasingly become an area of pain for me. It has become another forum for rejection for me. In the last week, two people I used to be close with have unfriended me. I don't bat an eye any more when someone I wasn't that close to unfriends me, but when it starts to become people I have hung out with, spent time with and generally had a good time with I just don't understand. Additionally, seeing pictures of things I have not been invited to, or hearing about all the great times everyone is having with everyone else is starting to take its toll.

Granted, I have not spent a lot of time with either of the people that unfriended me recently, but then I look at their current friend list and I could say the same thing about most of the people on there that we have in common. So, I just am going to chose not to be a part of it for a while and see if that helps.

Additionally, there is a lot of "noise" and "clutter" in my life and hearing the voice of the Lord in the midst of all of this for what He wants for my life has become almost impossible. Think about having a meal with a friend at the noisiest bar you can think of, or trying to hear a friend talk to you while the crowd is cheering its loudest at a Mariners or Seahawks game....it is almost impossible. So, I just need to de-clutter and shut off some of the noise in my life right now. Facebook has to go.

Blessings,
Erin

The World is Not Coming to an End...Even if it Feels Like It Is

2010-07-21T09:24:00.000-07:00

Head's up Chicken Little: the sky is not falling.

Rather, it is falling in certain areas and not in others.

My life is not falling apart, though I may have given that impression by my last post. Though it is going horribly in the area of relationships, there are other areas that are going quite well.

With my job, though paying very little, I got a raise recently. I did also make it to an interview for a position I applied for there (even though I didn't get the job, and even though I am not sure if I'll even be there that much longer). I am also still having a very good time working there, and really enjoying what I do. There are very few days I get up and don't want to go to work. Money is still a very difficult area for me, but liking what you do is so important.

While I still have a torn rotator cuff, and my other health issue is still very much present, I have been working out with a trainer for a while now and have lost about six to eight pounds. Since I lost 50 lbs a few years ago, 6-8 lbs is not a lot, but what I have gained is a very real workout habit, a ton of physical strength, and my cardiovascular shape is some of the best it's been in the last few years. I really enjoy working out with the trainer....I think all my years of being coached just makes this click with me. There's something motivating for me about having someone stand there not only showing me what to do but pressing me into doing something better/faster/further/more than I thought I could do.

In areas of ministry, there are some bright spots. I have been spending a lot of time with some college students in town for the summer and I am realizing just how energizing this age group is for me and just how alive I feel when I am around them and pouring into them. Last night for example, I drove a group home from an event out on the Key Peninsula and got to talking about some discipleship issues. The drive went so fast. As one of the girls exited my car she said "you are a wise woman." I realized how much I love teaching and discipleship and love getting to talk about things I've learned with this age group. I wish I could work with this age all the time.

Additionally, Call2All has not given up on my working for them full time. They called me a week or so ago and want me to seriously consider moving to Kansas City (instead of Kona) for a year to work in their office. I was even offered help fund raising to do this. They also want me to help with events this upcoming year in: Malta, India, Switzerland and Indonesia. This has certainly given me pause to think and pray. Though I am still reluctant to do administration, I am not sure whether this is an open door to walk through or not. I am not psyched about KC (but being close to my brother and his family is exciting), I am not psyched about administration, but I am psyched about travel and some other things. Fund-raising scares the living daylights out of me (like I *need* more opportunities for rejection, right?), and honestly I am not in a financial spot to leave quite yet. I have had some unexpected expenses that have put a slow-down on my ability to pay off my credit card AND I have some car and house repairs that would have to happen for me to rent my house and drive my car halfway across the country. Sigh. I wish I knew what the plan for me in this area was.

It's good for me to write about a few of the things that are going well in my life right now. It's helpful for me not to focus so much on the things that are going wrong....because that of course is not the full picture, though it certainly feels pretty overwhelming at times.

Praying your life is full,
Erin

Something's Gotta Give

2010-07-18T22:02:00.000-07:00

I read about a study in one of my college psychology classes that was done on babies before there were regulations of the psychology profession. In this study they deprived the babies of human touch for a number of very formative months and then followed these babies to see how they developed devoid of touch. Each and every baby died. (You can see why they implemented regulations!)

Lately, I have started to feel like one of these babies.....and the outcome of this scenario is killing me.

We humans are designed to be in relationship with each other. We need other people or we become some strange, even disturbed, version of what a real human being should be (think about what happens to people who never leave their house, or are stuck at home working on their computers and don't interact with others, or live only to play video games...). There is even a whole sub-culture of this in Japan. There are men who have "shamed" their families and cannot be seen in public any more...so they live alone in an apartment, never coming out and being cared for by their families who bring them food etc. The suicide rate for these men is astronomical.

I just am so lonely that I almost don't know what to do any more. Even when I initiate it feels like it's all on my end and is rarely reciprocated. I can't tell you the number of things that happen during the course of a month that I don't get invited to. Most people would tell you that they probably aren't forgetting me on purpose, but the fact is that I am not *remembered* either.

All growing up all I wanted was a heart friend. "Anne of Green Gables" would call it a kindred spirit. I have just wanted to be known, and important to someone; I just wanted to belong.

I know this all sounds like a big pity party. I recognize that this is the *same exact* struggle I've been going through for years now....but I am just at my wit's end....I just don't know what to do any more.

The roots I have here in Tacoma go deep....there are reasons I have not moved yet....but there are days like today when far away wouldn't be far enough. And, I'll be honest, there still feels like there must be something wrong with ME. This seems to be a mindset that is epoxied into my brain with super glue so strong nothing can shake it.

I just don't know how much more of this I can take.

E

If I Only Did What I Was Good At....

2010-07-11T22:21:00.000-07:00

I applied for a permanent position at the zoo.

This really isn't an earth shatteing announcement except for the fact that I am pretty sure if I got the job, I would not be able to simultaineously go to Law School.

However, I am heading into this process with eyes wide-open....if I got the job, it would mean a promotion *over* someone already in a permanent position at the zoo and someone who actually used to be my boss. Realistically I am probably candidate 3 out of 3. My chances are slim to none that I'll actually get this job.

It seems strange to have even applied for it for a couple of reasons, the Law School conflict being one and the fact that others who "make more sense" were applying too. In fact, many in my department who were gung-ho to apply early on did not apply. Perhaps because of who the competition is, or perhaps for other reasons.

I'll be honest, I almost did not apply. The qualifications and responsibilities for this job are pretty steep. I'd have a lot on my plate. When I looked at the job application, I almost balked. Then I did an honest assessment....I qualified for the position. I met all the criteria. The only reason *not* to apply would be because of who else was applying. Poppycock.

I have literally nothing to lose by applying and going through this process (with the exception of possibly going to Law School). I have everything to gain. I have already gained application and resume writing experience, on Tuesday I'll have gained interview experience, and you just never know...I might gain a job out of this too.

Yes, if I got the job I'd have to pray about my future plans....but this just felt like an open door I was supposed to walk through. There's a funny saying about God not being able to steer a parked car, or something like that and I really feel like this applies in this situation. I'll cross the bridge of what to do about Law School IF I even cross the bridge of that being an option.

Meanwhile, I really feel that if I only attempted things I was guaranteed success at, I'd really never do much of anything. There are so many lessons in this truth, and it even applies to my future with Law School too....

If I only do that which I am good at, already excel at, am guaranteed a good return on etc....I am stuck doing what I've always done. Things that are a great reward always require great risk. The greater the reward the greater the risk.

Do I look like a fool for applying for a job that others more qualified than I have applied for? Maybe. But, then again, maybe not. Bravery is not the absence of fear, it's being afraid and doing something in spite of the fear. My prayer is that I would be brave enough to look like a fool, stuble and fall, but be willing to walk through an open door when it's right in front of me, even if it doesn't make sense.

Blessings,

Erin

Insomnia

2010-07-04T21:34:00.000-07:00

I sit at home alone on this holiday. Don't get me wrong, I *could* be at a party right now, but the last few weeks I have been suffering through a bout of insomnia. I get these stretches every once in a while and I am in the middle (or maybe end) of another one. As hard as these bouts are, they could be worse....I used to go months and months (and one time even two years) without being able to sleep without some sort of medicinal help. However, when I do have these stretches, I am a walking zombie....which I have been the last few weeks.

For this reason, I am at home tonight...too exhausted to go anywhere, not enough energy to even really talk to anyone on the phone, no amount of coffee would be enough to wake me up.

I also haven't written much these last few weeks. There's no direct correlation that I can tell of my insomnia and my lack of inspiration, but I think I just mostly don't have anything new to write about. Re-hashing and re-writing the same angst seems, well, redundant.

So, here are a few new updates:
1. I have a gal living with me for the summer. She's a college student and I am *loving* having someone young, full of energy and someone to connect with on a mentor/mentee level living here. Should I stay in Tacoma, I'd love to have more college students here. It would mean a shift in the house, as up until now I've pretty much only had peers live here.

2. I have met with a few folks I know who have gone to law school and as of right now, this is still the plan. I'll take a prep course in the fall, the LSAT in December and submit applications due in January. Right now I'd like to apply to Seattle U, University of Washington, Arizona State, University of Chicago, Liberty, Regent and Stanford.

3. Having a third housemate has helped with finances a little, and as a result I have hired a personal trainer and have met with him for a couple of months now. I am really enjoying working out with him and getting into shape. I have never enjoyed exercise a ton, so I am really trying to get to the point where this is a habit and looking at it as a lifestyle change.

4. I am seriously considering trying online dating again. As much as I *hate* (if there was a stronger word for it, I'd probably use it) online dating, it seems that my options for dating the "traditional" way aren't happening.

5. I have heard from Call2All again, and it looks like they'd like my help again this coming April for a conference in India. So, we'll see if this happens, but at any rate, I'll be working on the conference like the one I did for Turkey. While I know I am not called right now to do admin for this organization, I still will continue to do event planning while I can.

I think that's all for now.

Erin

Humility is....

2010-06-24T10:37:00.000-07:00

...when the person you are interested in getting to know better doesn't seem to even want to talk to you, much less want to get to know YOU better too.

...when you react badly to a situation, handle it with not a lot of grace and the person you've wounded won't speak with you, have anything to do with you, blocks all contact with you and generally hates your guts, though you've attempted to apologize.

...when the job you are qualified for doesn't even net you an interview, much less an offer of employment.

...when you stand up and give your testimony of your journey into better health in front of 200plus people, and then three years later weigh 20 pounds more than you did back then.

...when you realize that you aren't in contact with almost everyone whose wedding you've ever been a bridesmaid in.

...when you find your first gray hair, even if it's in your eyebrow.

...when you used to be an all-star softball player and due to a torn rotator cuff, now can't do more than underhand the ball to someone.

...when your brother asks if you want to be a "nun or something" and all you can do is smile.

...when you walk around the grocery store with a calculator so you don't go even a cent over your food budget for the week.

...when you get a letter from the city saying you'll be fined if you don't weed wack the weeds in the alley behind your house.

...when you've been in a position of leadership, and now you're not even in the game, much less leading anything.

Oh, blessed life, how you always serve to keep us humble.

Blessings,
Erin

That's What I Like About You (or in this case, me)

2010-06-21T21:21:00.000-07:00

About a year or so ago there was a phenomenon on facebook where you were supposed to list 25 things about yourself that no one but you might know. I thought this was a fun list to make and I did one.

Last night, I went to bed and I was tossing and turning and could not fall asleep. I am determined to kick this "thing" in the teeth. One of the things that the Lord said to me as I was tossing and turning was to make a list. This list is not like the 25 things no one knows about me...this list is all of the things that are great about me, that I like (or should like) about myself....all of the things that make me, me.

So, at the risk of coming across as bragging or full of myself, I am going to list things I like about myself, or that I think and I am going to *try* not to put any kind of caveat or any negative thing on here.

1. I have a quick and infectious smile.
2. My laugh is unique and it comes easily.
3. I care VERY deeply about things and people, even people who are not in my life any longer or people who are not in my close circle of friends.
4. Once I have given my heart to something or someone, it is almost impossible for me to take it back.
5. I am one of the most loyal people I know.
6. I *hate* injustice with a passion. I really, really, really hate injustice.
7. I believe doing the right thing is more important than doing the easiest thing, at the risk of self-expense.
8. I am one of the most responsible people I know...and I will not break my word if there is any way I can help it.
9. I am gifted with wisdom and knowing right from wrong.
10. I am gifted in teaching, and not just kids.
11. I am analytical and love fully understanding things.
12. If I believe in something, it's because I have taken the time to really understand...I don't just blindly follow.
13. I *hate* when people do not get along...I am a peacemaker.
14. I *hate* false-ness.....I try to be the kind of person that is exactly what you see, I am sincere and heartfelt.
15. I love listening to people and really *hearing* them.
16. I try as hard as possible to take people individually and love them where they are.
17. I love being able to explain things to people and watch them "get it."
18. I am passionate about the things I love and I am committed to them and do not like quitting or giving up on them.
19. I love animals.
20. I love sports....I love figuring out rules and strategy.
21. I am uber responsible, but I have a huge wild streak too which leads me to do crazy things like quit great jobs to nanny in England, or travel to Europe for 3 months.....or other things.
22. I love the nations. I love people in the nations. I have fallen in love with every people group in every nation I have ever been to.
23. I'm like a mother hen...I take people under my wing.
24. I love seeing people's hearts and not just looking with my physical eyes, but really getting to know people.
25. I love trying food from different places, it's maybe my favorite thing about travel.
26. I love reading.
27. I rescue things....even spiders from my house are not immune....I tend to root for the underdog.
28. I believe communication can solve a lot of problems. If we'd just talk instead of assuming, a lot could be fixed.
29. I love kids and I am not afraid to just get on the floor and play with them.
30. I *love* my nephews. Passionately.
31. I am good at figuring things out....movies that surprise me at the end are my favorites because I can usually see the plot to most movies a mile away....so if they can surprise me, I'm hooked (think "sixth sense").
32. My all time favorite movies, though, are those based on true historical events or based off of literature....Amazing Grace, Young Victoria, Miracle, Blind Side...all faves.
33. I love exploring a place and learning all I can about it. I never met a museum I didn't want to explore...learning new things constantly is stimulating to me.
34. I love nature....bird-watching, gardening, camping, hiking....all faves.
35. I love coffee.
36. I love spending quality time with people....it's my love language.

Well, I think that's all for now. That's my off-the-top-of-my-head list. I'm sure there's more, but it's a start. I am GOING to have victory over this area of insignificance....I may be fighting it on my deathbed, but if I go down, I'm going to go down fighting.

Blessings,
Erin

Blessed Be....

2010-06-20T21:52:00.000-07:00

There is no other worship that is more pleasing to the Lord than that which comes in spite of difficult circumstances. To say in the midst of the storm that "God is good, blessed be the name of the Lord" is sweetness to His ears.

Is it the Weather or Just Me?

2010-06-20T21:33:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like I have bi-polar disorder. I'll be humming along just fine and then...crash....I'm in a season where I am brought low again. We've been having horrible weather here this spring, so I am not sure if that's just put me in a mood, or if it's something deeper within....

I haven't written anything in two weeks because, well, there's not much to write that isn't all melancholy, whiney, or I haven't already written about a thousand times.

I'm *still* in this seemingly endless period of transition. Just when I think I'm done....I'm not. And, I'll be honest, I'm ready to be done already. Three years is starting to feel like an eternity, though I know rationally it's not. The problem is, I just don't know what I am transitioning *into* and so it feels like I've been doing nothing but waiting, waiting, waiting.....

I know what I'd like to be transitioning into. I'd like to be transitioning into marriage. Scratch that. I think a this point I'd just like to have someone find me attractive enough to *date,* I'd settle for that right now. I'd like to be transitioning ino financial stability. I'd like to be transitioning into some friendships. I'd like to be transitioning into having a purpose beyond administration, or whatever other small box label the world currently has on me.

Sigh. I mean transition can't last forever, can it? Waiting can't last forever, can it? I certainly don't know how men like David waited so long for his transition moment to actually become king, or Joseph to become second in charge, or Job to get his new life, or Abraham to get his Isaac, or Hannah to get her Samuel.....It is a courage and strength I fear daily might be running out, like the oil in the lamps of some of the virgins waiting for their bridegroom. That scares me most of all.

Blessings,
Erin

Everything and Yet Nothing

2010-06-07T19:21:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have one of the stretches where you have everything on your mind and yet nothing worth articulating a whole post about.

I am in one of those stretches right now. I have so much going on in my mind, yet at the same time I feel little need to write. I am just in a bit of a writer's block.....

So, in no particular order, here's what I have been thinking about the last few weeks:

1. The BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. I am sickened and disgusted and annoyed and angered by this whole fiasco. I find myself crying and weeping over the images coming from this area and I just want to DO something. Yet, I get in my car every day and drive it somewhere. I am just as much a part of the problem as BP. They only exist because we need what they have. I seriously am just burdened by what we are doing to our planet. Sometimes I feel like a freak because no one I know seems to feel the same way, execept the folks I work with. We are killing our planet and the mother's heart in me just weeps when I see what we are doing. I am not one to post a whole lot of political things on this blog, but this situation for me just has me fuming and I am fuming at just how "head in the sand" so many people in this country are about this issue.

2. Law School is still a huge burden too. I have decided I am going to apply, however I can apply and take the LSAT in December (not Oct) and be OK....this gives me the summer to save up some money for a Kaplan course and focus this fall on my application the LSAT at a time that is less busy.

3. I am still in my season of intense loneliness. I am realizing that my busy-ness over the last few months has been my bandaid to not deal with how alone I feel 99% of the time. You know, for me, when I cannot find significance in simply in who I am and the One who made me, I tend to turn to activities to find my significance. Now that many of the things on my list from a few posts ago are being checked off, I am faced yet again with just how much I long for a family, and just how few friends I have in my life right now.

4. Our lives are a Divine-Human cooperative. The percent of direction that is the hand of God, and the percent that is us, I believe, changes from situation to situation. I think that sometimes you have a situation that is 100% God intervening and directing...His determined will for something to happen. At other times I believe He takes His hand almost completely off of the situation and it is our own free will that determines the direction of our lives and His involvement is perhaps as little as 1%. Those two ends of the spectrum allow for lots of percentages in between 100% and 1%.

I've been thinking then....if my life is not going the way I had hoped and dreamed, that leaves two options: a. either it's been God who's been preventing things from going "my" way or b. it's my own bumbling and fumbling that's been preventing it.

This has left me in a little of a bind. I either blame God, or I turn inward and blame myself. Neither option is really great, but I think it helps me to understand the "up and down" nature of my faith.

Perhaps I'll write more on one of these topics at some point. Or, not.

Blessings,
Erin

Becky, Brady and Kason

2010-06-01T20:41:00.001-07:00

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Kason and Brady

2010-06-01T20:39:00.001-07:00

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My knight on a white horse

2010-06-01T20:37:00.001-07:00

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He Even Does Dishes

2010-06-01T20:02:00.001-07:00

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I Just Might Be Crazy

2010-05-31T11:10:00.000-07:00

This was not the blog post I intended to write. I have had all sorts of wonderful thoughts and ideas and lessons brewing in my head over the last few weeks....you know me, I can't stop analyzing and processing everything. I had a wonderful blog post about how sad I was to leave my family in Chicago and revelation about why that's so hard. I had another wonderful post about a book I am reading called "Perpetua" and all of the cool revelations about that. I had several others ruminating on the back-burner of my mind about life in general.

Yet, I am not posting about any of those.

Instead, I am posting to say: I think I am going to try to get into law school.

This idea has been hovering in the back of my mind for over a year. Well, truthfully, I have had people off and on my whole life tell me they thought I should be a lawyer. Even my own parents have said this to me. I think most of the time this is because I argue so well (grin), have to understand the ins-and-outs and whys of everything, and always have to have an answer for something. A lot of why I like science correlates directly with law: science has laws too! I like that a+b=c, and all of that other stuff. It just kind of makes sense that if I like the order and analysis of the laws of science, I'd probably like the order and analysis of the legal system.

Last year I had a housemate who really stoked this fire under me. Probably because I stood there for over an hour discussing a point with her until she laughed at me and said I needed to go to law school. She then couldn't seem to let this idea go. Then, my other roommate piped in and agreed. Both of these women periodically ask me about it, and have even gotten other people who happen to be in the vacinity into the game.

This idea always seemed like a pipe dream. But, the last few weeks I have not been able to shake the idea.

I started looking into this and I am actually kind of excited at the thought. Especially because quite a few law schools, including Seattle University, have specializations in International Law. This intrigues me a lot.....there are a lot of ways to go with this specialization, and the more I think about it...the more I wonder if this isn't the route I am being led internationally. Specifically in human rights/trafficing/social justice arenas....this piques my interest greatly.

So....here's the point of my post. If I am going to start applying...applications are due starting in October. The LSAT, which is required, is also in October (or December). If I am going to take the LSAT in October, I need to take an LSAT prep course which starts in JULY! That's right folks a little over a month. This course is $1200. So, this is a decision I really probably need to make within the next month.

I could really really really use some advice, wisdom, thoughts, etc. on this.....anything, really, will help.

Gulp!
Erin

Chicago In Pictures

2010-05-29T16:58:00.000-07:00

My sweet sister-in-law Becky and Brady's 2nd birthday cake.

Brady got his own kid-sized wheelbarrow for his birthday.

Brady is VERY orgainzed. Here's some of his handywork.

Brady and my mother sitting in the wheelbarrow that was getting assembled.

Brady wearing my brother's gloves and "working" in their backyard.

Me and Brady before taking him to the zoo for his birthday.

Me holding the newest nephew, Kason

Istanbul in Photos

2010-05-27T20:21:00.000-07:00

A Post Before the REAL Post

2010-05-26T22:19:00.000-07:00

Hi all (sheepishly ducks head)...I promise I am alive. I just got back on Monday late at night from a week-long visit to my family in Chicago. I have been out of the loop and promise for an update and some pictures ASAP.

I have returned, however, to most of the previous blog's list of "to-dos" and have hit the ground running back here at home.

Update or post coming soon...promise!
Erin

Busy, busy, busy!

2010-05-12T11:14:00.000-07:00

I have been too busy for my own good. I apologize for the lack of posts since leaving for Turkey. Upon my return I have been going non-stop:

1. Final tallying of the commitment forms from the Turkey event.
2. Helping a friend edit and write a book.
3. Writing curriculum on the side for a zoo down in California.
4. Developing a lesson plan for Friday's Sozo Kids (which I am teaching this week).
5. Getting my yard under submission! (read: weeding the whole thing, mowing and weed wacking)
6. Unpacking from Turkey and re-packing for my trip to Chicago next Monday.
7. Starting a new workout routine with a personal trainer.
8. Oh yeah, just normal working hours, church, and friends too.

Phew, that's a long list. I have meant to update on the rest of the Turkey trip, and, as you can see, just have not had time until now:

After the conference got started, I did not see much of it! I spent a LOT of time for the conference in our "bunker room" where all of the photocopying, printing, powerpoint-making, and detail finalizing occurred. My time was spent, finalizing the workshop times and rooms, making sure the rooms were stocked with what they needed, getting sign-up sheets in the rooms for the workshops, photocopying workshop and plenary session materials, helping check in participants, arranging speaker transportation back to the airport, tracking payments and budget for the event with the tourism agent/travel agent we worked with to plan the event, helping pass out materials, developing a powerpoint for the final day, and just general troubleshooting for the event.

The final day of the event was my birthday. Praise the Lord, the event was over by 1pm, and we were cleared out of the hotel and on our way to downtown Istanbul by 4 pm. As a "thank you" for helping, Martin, the lead coordinator paid for my taxi into Istanbul, one of my nights at a hotel in Istanbul, and bought me dinner that night. He, a friend of his named Roedolf, and I shared the taxi into downtown Istanbul and had dinner in town that night. We walked around downtown Istanbul a bit after dinner (which was AMAZING...really the food as a whole in Turkey was absolutely delicious) and had coffee and apple tea (basically apple cider) and some Turkish Delights.

The next day I woke up and took a tour bus for the morning to see some sites around old town Istanbul. We stopped by the Haghia Sophia, the Blue Mosque, the Obelisk (where four-horse chariot races used to be run), a rug-making factory, and spent an hour and a half in the Grand Bazaar (basically a big giant outdoor covered mall). I met a gal on the tour named Toby, who turned out to be in town for just a day on her way to Israel. She was an Orthodox Jew from London and we made a plan to meet back up later that afternoon at the Grand Bazaar to do some more shopping.

I went and grabbed some lunch: grilled chicken kebabs, and then headed over to the Archaeological Museum for two hours, which was just heaven for a history buff like me. I then met back up with Toby at the Grand Bazaar for some more shopping.

The Grand Bazaar probably deserves a whole post on its own, but I will say this, Turkish vendors are NOT shy about luring you into their shop! As a whole, I felt Turkish culture slightly more aggressive and "in your face" than America. Yet, there was not any outward anger and at no time did I ever feel like my safety was in jeopardy. Turkish culture is also a bartering culture. Once you step up to a booth (or even just glance that way) it's kind of like the shopping process has begun. For sure once you ask a price, you are expected to buy, unless you really can't come to an agreement about a price. For example I saw a vase I just adored, and the price (while jacked up to accommodate the bargaining process) was WAY too steep for me. It was pretty clear by the look on my face that there was no way I was going to be able to afford this vase, so the bargaining process ended pretty peacefully. However, my friend Toby could not seem to figure this whole thing out and was pretty stuck on the western way of shopping....ask the price, browse the merchandise, no negotiation, etc.

At one point she stepped into a vendor's jewelry booth and proceeded to look at probably 6-7 pieces of jewelry, asking the price on each piece, not bargaining, and then putting it down. I think the vendor finally figured out that she wasn't probably going to buy and basically shoved us out the door. He began yelling at us in Turkish and then in English "if it's free you like it! If it costs money, you don't!" We hustled out of there.

Some of the lines we heard to try to lure us over to their booth were pretty comical: "Ladies, I can help you spend your money here!" "Leather, you want leather? I have leather...you NEED some leather!" All in all, it was pretty fun. I managed to bargain my way into four cashmere and silk pashminas, a box of Turkish Delights, a "Turkiye" sweatshirt, and a Turikish tile for my kitchen.

After shopping, Toby and I headed to a Starbucks and chatted for probably an hour. I asked her lots of questions about being an Orthodox Jew and in turn shared the gospel with her. I'm not sure if anything will come from this, but we are now "friends" on facebook and I continue to pray for her.

I went out to dinner by myself that night, wandered around old town Istanbul a bit, then went back to my hotel to pack as I was leaving at noon the next afternoon.

The hotel, which had an amazing view of the Bosphorus and lots of other cool sites, had a free breakfast, which I ate the next morning. It was an amazing breakfast and puts our hotel's continental breakfasts to shame.

I negotiated a ride to the airport with a taxi driver (I told you it was a bargaining society...even taxi rides are up for negotiation) and headed home...purchasing some Turkish coffee at the airport.

I arrived home at about midnight on Friday night, May 1 after being gone 10 days....and woke up at 6 the next morning for work. It was a trip that was a lot of hard work, but so worth it.

I'll post pictures later!
Blessings,
Erin

A Real Picture of Freedom

2010-05-07T10:09:00.000-07:00

When I arrived in Turkey, I was met at the airport by a driver who picked me up and drove me to the hotel of the conference, which was over an hour outside of Istanbul. I was the first to arrive of the group into Istanbul, as I had booked tickets to arrive early so I could sight-see before the conference. Those plans got changed up when my friend who was supposed to meet me there couldn't come due to the volcano. The last-minute decision was made to go to the venue hotel rather than stay in Istanbul. I was grateful that I had someone to meet me there, even if I was disappointed not to be in the city.

When my driver dropped me off at the hotel, the gentleman at the front counter and I had a comical exchange. He was not expecting anyone from our conference to arrive for two more days. I am sure this was compounded by the fact that I knew zero Turkish, and his English, while good, was clearly not his first language.

Somehow I manged to communicate that I was there for a conference. He said something about it starting "last Sunday," to which I replied, "No, next Sunday." He called someone on the phone and about thirty seconds later, a very lovely woman came into the lobby and greeted me. Somehow we figured out that yes, starting *last* Sunday, a women's conference started in the same venue. We quickly figured out that I was *not* supposed to be there for that conference, but for the one starting *next* Sunday. It was quite funny.

At this point I had been awake for over 24 hours, and I needed desperately to take a short nap. So, after settling into my room, I set my alarm for two hours later, and fell asleep.

I woke up, took a shower, and headed down for dinner. I saw the 50 or so women from the conference in the dining hall, but not knowing Turkish from Gibberish, I assumed that these women were from Turkey based on their dress, hair and makeup.

After dinner I went upstairs, got some work for the conference done, and then went to bed, waking up the next morning at 6AM. Throughout the next day, I stuck mainly to my room, working on the conference, and watched some movies online; only heading out for meals. I saw the women again throughout the day eating in the dining hall, but still assumed these were Turkish women.

The next day, late in the afternoon/early evening, the rest of the leadership team arrived to begin final prep for the conference. While we were touring the facilities' breakout rooms, we ran into some women from the conference and began to tentatively speak to them.

It turned out that these women were not Turkish at all. Though, by looking at them, you would never know it. These women were dressed to the nines: full hair, makeup, jewelry, nails nicely done, and in full "western" clothing. However, these women were not Turkish. They were Iranian women. They were Iranian women in Turkey for a Christian women's conference.

Think for a moment about those two words. Christian. Women. I don't think you can find two more persecuted descriptors in Iran than those two things. Even in our own country where there is still discrimination that occurs, there is no fear of death (at least at the hands of our own government). These women risk death for what they believe on a daily basis. This is so true that these women have to leave their country to have a conference. I teared up as we were talking to them....looking at what they were wearing, the joy on their faces, the freedom they felt by being in Turkey. I knew that when they returned home, they returned home to full burqas, fear and truly being the least of the least. In many Muslim countries dogs have more respect and are treated better than women. No where is this perhaps more true than Iran.

Their conference ended the day ours started. However, we invited them to be a part of any of our first day they wanted to. Some of them could not come to the conference as they were returning home that day, but about 20 of them agreed to come as long as no photographs were taken (which there weren't any taken the whole conference, nor was anything recorded).

Now, keep in mind, that our conference was specifically for Christian leaders from the Middle East. However, we did not, up until this point have a single person from Iran there. There were many reasons for this, one being that Iranians speak Farsi, not Arabic....but the real truth is that Iran is so closed and hostile, that there is really no way to know who believes what in that country.

On Sunday the conference was just getting started when these 20 women arrived. Some spoke a little English, some spoke a little Arabic, and so they sat in the back as things got under way. The leader of the conference was going down a list of countries represented there, and having everyone from that particular country stand up when their country's name was called.

Even without the addition of the Iranian women, these men and women have something that as a Westerner, I do not....they too face persecution, imprisonment, hatred, and threats. Even without the addition of these Iranian women, the sheer courage, strength and fearlessness in the men and women in that room was enough to blow me away.

But, as "Mohinder" began to explain that there were some "special guests" in the room, the atmosphere changed. He asked these Iranian women to stand, and as they stood, the whole room rose simultaneously in a thundering standing ovation for these women. All two-hundred plus Middle Eastern men and women rose, acknowledging these women, honoring these women, blessing these women.

I stood in the back of the room and wept. I stood in the back and prayed for each of those women, knowing that even that very day, they would board a plane, and somewhere along the route home, they would don their burqas, remove their makeup, jewelry and nail polish and step off the plane as once again the lowest of the low.

Yet at the same time I know that these women are blessed. These women are blessed to know persecution in a way I have yet to experience. I know this because in Matthew 5 it says that

"Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

It also says: "Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven."

And in Luke 21, "All men will hate you because of me. But not a hair of your head will perish. By standing firm you will gain life."

And finally in 2 Tim 3, "In fact, everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted, while evil men and impostors will go from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived."

They have the kingdom of heaven in a way I don't. They have a reward that I don't. They know something about Jesus and life that I don't.

I was humbled by the amazing Chinese believers at the conference last year in Hong Kong, and I am humbled by these believers too.

Blessings,
Erin

Called to Call2All?

2010-05-04T07:35:00.000-07:00

One of the purposes for this trip, in my mind, was to come to a conclusion about whether working for Call2All full time was something I felt I would do. I prayed ferverently about this before I left, hoping it would become clear. I am grateful that I feel this has happened.

The bottom line is this: I don't want to, nor do I feel called to do administration. This is what I'd be doing if I were to move to Kona specifically to work for Call2All full time.

I had a short talk with Martin, one of the Call2All staff members in charge of the conference while I was there about this decision. This was a divinely orchestratd appointment because Martin had no idea of my wrestle....so he was able to speak about the situation. What he said was this: there is not currently full-time work *in* Kona. However, if I wanted to continue to stay in Tacoma and just help out as I have been doing with the conferences once or twice a year that I "had a good thing going."

If I moved to Kona, I'd be doing two things: admin for the organization part-time and doing event coordinating the other part time. If I stay in Tacoma, I can actually continue to help with the events (which is separate from the admin aspect) from here and not have to move to Kona to do the other part-time admin (oh the magic of technology like the internet that allows something like this to even be possible!). I could continue to work and then help with a conference or two a year.

I actually really enjoyed doing the conference once it got started. I enjoyed meeting the people involved with the conference. I liked a lot of aspects of the conference....I do not think I'd really be happy doing full-time administration work.

This does not mean I won't do a DTS, that is still an option on my radar screen. It does not mean I won't continue to explore other international options, but I feel confirmed in my heart that specifically moving to Kona to do admin for Call2All won't be happening. I feel confirmed in my heart that doing what I have done for them for the last seven months, which is helping to coordinate events, will continue to happen for now, from Tacoma.

In fact, there has already been an ivitation to help with their conference in India sometime this coming fall.

Blessings,
Erin

I'm Baaaack!

2010-05-03T12:07:00.000-07:00

I'm still alive. And, I am back on US soil. However, I have come down with a cold and my brain is not functioning well enough for a proper blog post. I do have a few great stories about my trip rumbling around, and I will be back to post as soon as possible.

Also, just on a small side note....I also feel I have some pretty good answers regarding working for Call2All full time. I'll write about that as well.

Meanwhile, off to the store to get some food and cold medicine.

Blessings,
Erin

Turkey Stuff(ing)

2010-04-23T00:51:00.000-07:00

Here are some highlights of Turkey so far.

1. I have been here three days and have yet to actually *eat* turkey. Grin.
2. I have, however, been LOVING the Mediterranean way of eating. I have had loads of dried fruits, fresh veggies, different cheeses, fresh milk, eggs, and honey-covered desserts. Yum. I could eat this way the rest of my life.
3. I can see the Mediterranean from my balcony. Heaven.
4. To the untrained ear, Turkish sounds an awful lot like a scandinavian language.
5. When language barriers can't be crossed, hand gestures and pointing works great!
6. The Turkish people are very hospitable and nice.
7. You know you are not in America when *everyone* smokes and it is done *everywhere,* even in the dining room while you are eating by the dining room workers!
8. Turkey is an odd mix of different cultures. I have seen some Indian influences, some Arab influences, and some Western influences.
9. There is a mosque not too far from the hotel. The call to prayer, five times a day, is an eerie sound.
10. Turkey does not appear to have much of an Islamic fundamentalism. I listened to a Christian radio station on my way to the hotel from the airport. Much of what is on TV looks and feels very American (some are even American shows dubbed in Turkish) and European....some skin, tight clothes, etc. Only the older women wear head scarves. I have only seen one burqua and that was at the airport.

On a few personal notes:
1. This is the second international trip where jet lag has been little or no consequence. I have been able to pretty seemlessly transition into Turkey time. The first day I arrived at the hotel at 1. By this time I had been away more than 24 hours (I cannot seem to sleep on planes.....anyone have any hints on HOW to?). I took a couple hour nap, woke up, took a shower, ate, tried to get some work done and then was in bed by 9pm. I slept until 6 the next morning. I was dragging by about 4pm the next day, but took a brief nap and then stayed awak until 10pm. Today, the third day, I woke up at 6:30 and seem to be fine so far.

2. I really do not like traveling alone. My friend who was supposed to accompany me on the first leg of the journey had to cancel due to the volcano ash from the volcano erupting in Iceland (don't even ask me to pronounce it...Eyjafjallajökull, anyone? anyone?). I was the first to arrive in Turkey from the crew working the conference. Sigh. Being here alone three days has been lonely and not so fun. If the hotel was closer to downtown Istanbul (instead of over an hour away), it might be better because then I could actually go somewhere and see some sights. Maybe the extra day at the end of the trip will make up for this if I can make it into downtown Istanbul.

That's all for now!

Blessings,
Erin

Birthdays, Bios and Turkeys Oh My!

2010-04-15T12:12:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking and praying more about this whole birthday thing from my earlier post. I am pretty sure the whole reason I don't want to celebrate my birthday this year is because there is a part of me who feels like if I pretend it's not happening, then I'm not really a year older. In addition, I am also pretty certain I don't want to get my hopes up for some shin-dig and get disappointed. The last few years my birthday party has been very anti-climatic. I just don't want to repeat of the last few years. I know this isn't a good attitude to have because I am coming to the conclusion that we all need to be recognized by those closest to us.

For example, my bio and picture are NOT going up on any ministry web-site. I am actually *very* happy with this. In the past, I have really wanted to be acknowledged for what I do. My attitude about this has changed a lot in the last few years. It is not that I don't want to be loved and cherished....but that needs to come from individuals, those closest to me and the Lord, not from people I either barely know or don't know at all. I think about verses that talk about people who walk around showing off their accomplishments and how THAT is their reward (Matthew 6:2 "So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full."). As humans we are created to be encouraged and loved,....to not do so is to be withheld from. But, we were not created to be worshiped. Any time I crave recognition, I am craving worship. So, on a public basis not to care if I am known for what I do is a good thing. On a private basis, we all need to be acknowledged and encouraged. Which is why my apathy, bordering on hopelessness, regarding my birthday is probably not a good thing. We all need to be celebrated.

On a slightly different note, I am now not going to be in Istanbul alone for a couple of days. A friend who works for an airline is shifting around her schedule to meet me in Istanbul for a couple of days before heading off to a couple of other countries. This is a *huge* answer to prayer. Additionally, I am now only $85 short of my total amount needed for my half of the plane ticket.

Blessings,
Erin

Rooted and Grounded

2010-04-13T17:26:00.000-07:00

In nature, a tree that goes through periods of dryness is better able to withstand longer periods of dought as well as storms. Times of dryness can stimulate roots to penetrate deeper into the soil in search of groundwater. Trees that go through this are trees that are better able to survive drought and storms than those with shallow root systems.

Some people have the gift of faith. These people are like trees who have a tap root that grows down deep from the moment of germination. When storms blow or drought comes, these people have this gift of faith to get them through.

The rest of us, like me, have faith that needs growing and development. Rather than being fully convinced from "germination," our faith has moments when we are fully conviced of the truth of God's character and have other moments when we doubt. For us, we need periods of dryness and drought to force our taproot down if we will seek the Lord in those moments instead of whithering up and dying. The whole purpose of seasons of desert and drought are to cause our roots to go deeper in search for living water. The deeper our roots have gone the easier it is to withstand bigger storms and longer drought, while those whose roots have not gone deep are easily uprooted.

Jeremiah 17:7-8 "But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. He has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."

Eph 3 "..that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height— to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God."

A lot of my last few blog posts have probably come across a bit "bi-polar" as a result of my current "storm" in life. The journey into believing the truth of God's character has been a bumpy/windy one especially the last two and half years, but more specifically the last few months, and I have not arrived at a place of peace with it yet. My taproot is still on its journey to deeper waters; growing, seeking, searching, and winding around the burried boulders in the way.

On the one hand I while I know the truth in my head, it has yet to fully penetrate my heart. Or, rather it penetrates it on some days (those are the joyful, excited posts) and not on others (when you get angry, disappointed posts like the one from last week).

In general, the body of Christ does not know how to handle people who are in seasons of the Lord allowing storms to come into their life. There is no one but Him who can give any of us a greater amount of faith. Anything good we have comes first from Him.....especially faith. (Eph. 2:8-9 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.)

I need more faith.

Blessings,
Erin

The Path Less Traveled....

2010-04-12T13:18:00.000-07:00

The further down the road of faith you get, the less traveled it is. This means it can be lonely, dusty, unpaved, and bumpy. Sometimes you might even have to get out your machete to clear the brush out of the way to see where you are going.

Twos and Threes

2010-04-09T11:30:00.000-07:00

I am generally a pretty even-keeled kind of gal. It takes a lot for me to get angry and I am generally pretty happy-go-lucky. On my roughest days I tend more towards becoming quiet and introspective rather than outwardly angry or irritable. The last few days for me have been uncharacteristically moody for me.

Usually I can chalk one day of feeling this way up to lack of sleep or not feeling well. Both of these things were true earlier in the week. However, the black cloud hanging over me has not lifted in three days now.

This should be a joyful time for me. I just got great news about my house, my favorite season-spring-is here, I'm leaving for Turkey in a little over a week, I just found out I got a raise at work, my sister-in-law is about to give birth to my second nephew....but I am not joyful. Something just feels "off" to me right now.

I know that anger is a secondary emotion and that it's rooted in something else. I know part of it is that I am a bit disappointed that the next season in my life is one where I am going to be venturing out on my own. There is a real part of my heart that is still grieving over the fact that no matter what happens this September, I am being asked to do it by myself. I know that wherever I go, there will be people there. I won't be completely alone. But, honestly, I have always hoped that someday when I was sent out, it would at least be with a friend.

There are a lot of men and women who have gone before alone. I wrote a post about this last August. I don't know how they did it. I think I have felt alone for so much of my life that the thought of being even *more* alone is almost physically painful.

I think about Katie, the 21 year old in Uganda and I don't know how she does it. I think about my friend Pete in Tokyo and I don't know how he does it. I think about my friend Miki, virually alone in Japan, and I don't know how she does it. And there are others I am sure I am leaving out. How is it that these people and many others seem to be able to make a go of it alone, while I, who have been nothing but alone can't seem to get over this to feel joy?

I don't want to go alone. Yet, the reality that I am probably going to go alone is becoming more and more tangible to me. I think this is why I am on some days reluctant to leave....being as lonely as I have been these last few years, at least I have had housemates and family and co-workers. I have hardly had a friend, but there have been enough moments of fellowship to keep me from going totally insane.

Jesus sent His disciples out in twos and threes (Mark 6). Ecclesiastes talks about a three-chord strand not easily broken. The very trinity itself speaks to relationship.

There is a lot of emotion here, as I wrestle over the fact that the loneliness I have been living in for the last few years is not ending but quite likely going to continue.

Blessings,

Erin

It Has Arrived!

2010-04-07T11:05:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, when I left for work, I overwhelmingly felt from the Lord that *this is the day you'll hear from your mortgage company.* Sure enough, I logged onto my account and had this notice: "your paperwork was sent today, please sign and return your forms as soon as possible." So, what should arrive via UPS today? My mortgage modification documents.

I gleefully ripped them open and began wading through all of the terminology and numbers. Basically, what it boils down to is this: I AM OVERWHELMINGLY FAVORED. Seriously. I was praying for a specific number. This number meant that should I chose to walk away to missions, I could rent my house with no extra needing to be paid on it by me. So, drumroll....my new mortgage payment is actually almost $150 lower than even this number. What this means is that when I rent my house, I will actually be MAKING money off of the rent! Can you get any better than that???

So, here's the bottom line. I have some debt. If I do this the way I think it will work out. I can take the next six months, pay off my debt and even make a few upgrades to the house (stuff like adding a sprinkler system to make it easier to maintain when I am gone etc.) and be free and clear to go, if that's what I am going to do.

Now comes the hard part....what am I "going" towards? I feel like this answer is a clear "yes" to going, but the bigger question is: what is my heart beating to go towards? I feel like this whole process has been a big one for me in determining what exactly it is that I want to do.....do I want to "go" to Call2All? Do I want to "Go" with YWAM and do a DTS? Do I want to "Go" with some other missions organization? Or, do I really "Go" out on a limb like the girl in my previous blog and do something really wild and crazy like move to Kenya and start my own orphanage?

Every time I pray about this, I feel like the answer will be so clear by September. Not that I'll be gone by then, but that I'll know the answer by then.

Blessings,
Erin

Blog Recommendation

2010-04-04T09:20:00.000-07:00

I have been reading a blog for a while written by a woman in her early 20s who moved to Uganda about two and half years ago. She moved there and has single-handedly adopted to date 14 orphans there. She is in a third-world country, basically alone, with 14 kids (most of them special needs). Reading her blog kills me. Kills me in a good way.

This particular post, though, particularly struck me. I have talked about the cost a lot in this blog recently, but I am realizing more and more that I have NO IDEA what it means to truly lose my life for the sake of Christ. She really has given up everything for those kids.

I wept when I read it. I was convicted. I was ashamed (not in a bad way). I was humbled.

Erin

Just Put One Foot In Front of the Other

2010-03-30T18:42:00.000-07:00

I started running again this week for the first time since last spring and the unfortunate dog bite incident. I am not a super great runner. Even on my best days I'm pretty slow. Part of my problem with running, well, any exercise, is that I played so many sports growing up that exercise has had no meaning for me outside of the realm of competition. I never learned exercise for the sake of being healthy....it always had to have some greater or grand purpose to it than that. I remember one calendar year I ran track in the spring, played softball in the summer, played volleyball in the fall, and then basketball in the winter. This was then followed by playing on an elite softball team the following spring. I literally went almost a year and a half with no breaks from sports. Is it any wonder I went a bit on exercise burnout for so long after quitting competitive sports for good after university?

One of the things I notice when I do re-start an exercise program is my old tendency to push myself just like I would have been pushed playing sports. It's not enough that I am just out there doing it. I have to go longer, faster, better. I can't just be content with going two miles, even if I walk a bit. No, I have to go two miles, run the whole thing and then the next time I go running I have to go further or faster. I am learning to give myself grace and just be happy to be out and moving and forget everything else.

One of my other issues with running is my tendency to focus too far ahead. If I am running down a street, my eyes tend to be waaaaay down the road. The problem is that I start thinking about how far away that is, and how tired I am and how I'd like to stop and walk for a bit, until eventually I actually DO stop and walk, or at least slow down. I have actually realized that I do better if rather than focusing too far ahead, if I just concentrate on the road just slightly ahead of me and around me (taking looks further up ahead only periodically to make sure I'm headed in the right direction) it makes the run easier. I just put one foot in front of the other and before you know it, I'm at the end of the road which seemed so far away at the beginning.

I find a lot of spiritual parallels with this. Matthew 6:34 says "Do not worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." I think the running analogy applies here. If we start looking too far ahead in life we start thinking of how far we have to go, how tired we are, how we are going to get there and how much we'd like to stop until we eventually do. Or, we start worrying about things that haven't even happened yet! We should keep in the back of our mind the prize (the finish line), that's our motivation. But we should be focusing our fore-front thoughts on what's in front of us today. If we are obedient and wise and diligent with what we have today...tomorrow takes care of itself.

Obviously this is not a prescription for just frittering today away or being frivolous or procrastinating with our todays....we still have to be wise and responsible....but, tomorrow will be taken care of. That's a promise.

Blessings,
Erin

PS For those who are wired with a visionary ability, this is a whole other category of "tomorrows" and I am pretty certain that this verse was not speaking of this type of "thinking ahead."

Humility or Acknowledged For What You Do?

2010-03-29T21:25:00.000-07:00

My birthday is coming up. In fact, I'll be in Turkey on the big day. And, I say "big day" because it's one of those birthdays with a 0 or a 5 that the world determines means it's important. However, I am not excited to celebrate this at all. I am secretly relieved that I'll be out of town and won't be around for folks to make a big deal out of this. I even emailed a friend, who is super gifted at blessing people on their birthday specifically to tell her that I don't want her to plan anything.

If this was just about my birthday, I might think this was nothing more than feeling poorly about getting older. However, something else happened recently that makes me wonder if there's more going on. Let me explain.

I am a part of a few ministries. One of them is local, the other, global. One of these ministries would like to put my picture with a short bio up on a website. I literally want nothing to do with this. Others already have their bios and pictures up. I was hoping no one would remember to ask me for mine. I literally could care less if my name or bio is anywhere on this website at all.

This feeling is totally and completely foreign to me. I usually swing in completely the opposite direction, demanding that I be acknowledged for what I have done and feeling overlooked and unimportant if this doesn't happen.

It has surfaced some questions within me about the difference between in all humility not caring whether others know what you've done on one hand, and being genuinely honored on the other. Bob Sorge wrote a book called "Fear and the Praise of Man." I think I need to re-read this and glean some answers.

I am certain there is some small issue there, especially regarding my birthday, about already feeling forgotten and not wanting to get my hopes up (actually this theme plays out in a lot of areas, especially in romantic hopes) and then being disappointed.

Any faithful readers have any thoughts on this subject?

Erin

Turkey Lurkey

2010-03-29T20:57:00.000-07:00

I am headed to Turkey in less than a month. I am, as of today, only $135 short of my half of the plane ticket. I probably, realistically, need to raise just a little more than this because I am headed over two days early and will have to stay somewhere on my own dollar for those two days.

I am super excited about going early and seeing things like the Haghia Sophia, the Grand Bazaar, and the Bosphorus Bridge. There is a fabulous archeological museum there as well that sounds grand. I was hoping to sight see with a friend who lives in Egypt. He needs to renew his visa for the country and was thinking he'd fly over to Turkey and spend a day or two there so he could fly back and get a new entry visa. However, he found a much cheaper and easier way to do this. So, it is looking like I'll be spending two days in Istanbul by myself (just don't tell my parents...they'll freak out).

I am not too worried about this. I have spent a lot of time in foreign countries and Turkey, while muslim, fiercely protects its secular government and is about as tolerant as a muslim country can get. However, the reality is that I will be in a foreign country as a single, American, young female alone. So, I am trying to be as wise about it as possible.

Today I went to Goodwill to buy some longer skirts. Apparently many Turkish women embrace western culture and wear shorter skirts or even bare their midriff. I just don't want to take any chances, however. I want to blend in as much as possible (well, as much as I can with my blonde hair and blue eyes). I am also staying in a hostel instead of a hotel. This is both cheaper and a possible way to meet other folks touring through the country alone or in small groups who might be willing to let me tag along with them.

It really is starting to feel as though this was a "trial run" to a full-time job. If I were to do this full-time, I would be travelling to the country of upcoming conferences 3-4 weeks ahead of time. Alone. Well, that's not entirely true. I'd be housed with a host family or person, so I wouldn't be completely alone. But, in a lot of ways, I would be without community and probably spending time by myself exploring cities and countries.

I had coffee today with a friend and her mother who's sister is a flight attendant. This is one of the things that this sister loves most about her job: showing up in a new city or country, putting on her walking shoes, grabbing a map and setting out. In a lot of ways, I love this too. I have spent of time traveling alone. It does not inimidate me to do just what she describes her aunt as doing. In fact, when I was 14, I spent a week with a tour group in Madrid and Paris and met my aunt, uncle and cousins who had been living in Germany while I was there. I had, in just one day, managed to figure out the subway (metro) system in Paris to navigate us everywhere we wanted to go for the day.

However, the biggest difference between my friend's aunt and myself, is that at the end of the trip, she has someone to come home to. I do not. I would be returning to Kona and to a ready-made community there, but with the last few years of loneliness and isolation I have had, I am just not sure where I am at with diving head-long into more loneliness and isolation. Just something more to ponder.

I also had lunch last week with a friend who is joining Youth With a Mission by doing a Discipleship Training School in Tokyo Japan. He had a lot of good advice about just taking my decision-making one day at a time (hmm...doesn't the Bible say something about not worrying about tomorrow?) and being OK with saying that my decision is X today, but might be Y tomorrow....This felt like such a wise council. Today, I am in Tacoma. I might still be in Tacoma tomorrow but I am OK with not knowing much beyond that and allowing the spirit to lead and guide me in a new direction down the road...whenever that might be.

So, still waiting. Still praying. But, OK with that for now.

Blessings,
Erin

Fear Has to Do With Punishment

2010-03-22T20:58:00.000-07:00

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 1 John 4:18

I have been having revelation lately just how ingrained my way of thinking about the Father's love for me is. We talk about strongholds and pulling them out by their roots, rather than just chopping off branches so that they end up growing back. This area feels like I keep pulling and pulling and the roots just keep coming and coming. These roots are so tangled around my heart that I have a hard time determining truth from lies.

I grew up in a house with a father who traveled a lot for work. Due to sleep apnea, when he was home, he was tired and grumpy. Both of my parents were highly involved with my life and I always felt loved. I also felt a lot of pressure to succeed and do well in all I did. My parents pushed me and prodded me to do my best. The problem was that I was already wired to want to please. I was already wired with my own perfectionist tendancies. Add all of this up and you end up with a recipe for disaster.

I felt my whole life as though I were only good, pleasing and acceptable if I was succeeding. I don't think my parents intentionally did this, but I received a lot of praise when I did do something well. I was actually pretty good at almos everything I tried. Soon, I became addicted to earning the praises of those around me. Try harder. Work harder. Meet expectations. Perfection. Perfection. Perfection.

The battlefield in my mind started young and was reinforced at every turn.

Fastforward to present day and what you have is an adult woman who has been working for years to pull this way of thinking out of her brain. This way of thinking: that performance equals praise, pleasure, and blessings, is exactly how I see the Lord.

I wrote in my last post about having the faith to follow the Lord even if He asks me to give up everything. But, I am also only human. There are a couple of things on that list that at this point would feel more like punishment to lay down than anything else. This is especially true because I feel quite a few of those things are major heart's desires, if not outright words from the Lord that they will come to pass.

It makes the thought of giving them up that much harder...it feels like I've done something wrong. There is a real part of my way of thinking that needs rewiring. This is the crux of my earlier post about 1+1=932. I simply cannot wrap my brain around a God whose economy does not include earning His love/approval/blessings and who does not withold those things when you've missed the mark.

I also know, that for me to fully be able to lay my life down, I must understand this in a deeper way so that I don't try to hang on to things for fear of losing them or try to make my heart's desires happen because I am afraid that I won't be able to be "good enough" to earn them. It makes the verse about fear having to do with punishment that much more understandable to me.

Romans 12:2 says: "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will." I feel like this is so appropriate. If I have a worldly mindset about who God is, if my mind is not transformed, then there is no way I can know what God's will for my life in any area is...not in my decision about Call2All nor anything else.

At the end of the day, this is probably more of my wrestle than anything else I going on. This is the one thing that all of my struggles boil down to. This one thing: what the character of the Lord is.

Blessings,
Erin

Though He Slay Me

2010-03-22T10:51:00.000-07:00

"Though he slay me, yet I will still hope in Him."

Faith by its very nature must be tested and tried. And the real trial of faith is not that we find it difficult to trust God, but that God’s character must be proven as trustworthy in our own minds. Faith being worked out into reality must experience times of unbroken isolation. Never confuse the trial of faith with the ordinary discipline of life, because a great deal of what we call the trial of faith is the inevitable result of being alive. Faith, as the Bible teaches it, is faith in God coming against everything that contradicts Him— a faith that says, "I will remain true to God’s character whatever He may do." The highest and the greatest expression of faith in the whole Bible is— "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him" (Job 13:15). - Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest

What if this is as good as life gets?

If I never get married, have children, go to the nations, teach, preach, disciple, see people healed, set people free from bondage, will the promise of a future spent in the presence of God worshiping be enough? Or, do I have an expectation of something from God beyond ALL that He has given me? Is eternal life (truly living) enough of an exchange for me in exchange for this temporary life, which is not really living at all?

If I lay down my life over and over and over again and yet gain nothing in this life from it, will I still follow, will I still say "yes Lord, all I have is Yours?"

If I am overlooked by everyone and everything, will I believe that I am not overlooked by the one who matters? Will that be enough for me?

If I never see one promise, word or dream fulfilled, will I still trust that God is good, that He knows what He's doing? Will I still believe that He has my best at all times and that THIS is His best for me?

What if I lose everything? What if my health gets worse, I really do lose my house, have no friends, no ministry, and no job?

What then? Will I quit? Give up? Curse God and die?

When I initially got saved I thought giving my life over to the Lord was just a one-time and you're done kind of thing. I am realizing more and more just how backwards that way of thinking is. In reality, giving my life over to the Lord that first time was really just that: the first time.

In our lives the Lord takes us to a point over and over again where He asks us: "Is your life really mine?" We are forced through circumstances and trials and decisions to decide once again. The thing is, it really is a choice. We have the choice to answer Him again and again, "Yes Lord, it's yours." We also have the choice to say, "No Lord, it's not."

Initially, that first response was pretty easy. I got to exchange a life of death and destruction for eternal life. That's a no-brainer. I gladly laid down my life as best I knew how back then. That's the joy of salvation. That's our first love.

I have found that the further in the race I run from that initial starting gun my legs start to get fatigued, and I am asked to carry more weight, and I'm shown more clearly just what this race I'm in looks like. I can get to a point where I just want to slow down just a little, or stop altogether. Sometimes, I'll be honest, I'd even like to go backwards just a little.

I hear the Lord whisper to me: "Beloved, are you going to quit? Are you going to stop? Or, are you going to continue to lose what you cannot keep?"

If He asks for everything, I will still trust in Him.

If everything points to His character being anything but perfect, I will still believe that He is.

Though He slay me, yet I will still hope in Him.

That is my prayer.

Erin

Distractions!

2010-03-18T09:50:00.000-07:00

I am starting to understand more and more why Jesus, when faced with cross-roads in His life, went away to pray.

I am still faced with this decision about what to do this fall: DTS? Call2All without a DTS? Stay in Tacoma for a while longer?

Practically, I can't make the decision yet. I am still waiting to hear back from my mortgage company, though the answer there could be as early as this week some time. However, I am finding myself increasingly distracted. I am distracted by things that have no bearing on my decision whatsoever.

The problem is that in the past, I have made decisions based off of these things. It is a part of maturing and growing in Christ that we refine and whittle down our criteria for making a decision until it is Christ alone whom we follow and not circumstances, nor people, nor feelings/emotions, nor anything in this world. I'm giving myself grace for previous decisions I've made based off of similar distractions to those popping up right now.

However, that does not mean that it isn't tempting to fall back into old patterns.

I find myself frequently literally chopping the air around me to break off thoughts (which is probably pretty funny looking to people who don't know what I'm doing) or praying fervently to take thoughts captive (by the way if anyone has practical tools for how to do this, I'd love them) or having to repeat to myself over and over again the truth about what is happening around me (out loud, which is also pretty funny probably to people).

Anyway, continue to pray for clarity on my decision, that I would not be distracted by things that should not affect my decision!

Blessings,
Erin

The Real St. Patrick

2010-03-17T08:39:00.000-07:00

Today is St. Patrick's Day. Since my heritage includes a great-grandfather straight off of the boat from Ireland, I thought posting this about the real St. Patrick was appropriate.

http://www.christianitytoday.com/ch/news/2004/stpatricks.html

Deep Thoughts, by Erin in Tacoma

2010-03-15T10:15:00.000-07:00

Scene: At a restaurant with a large group of people, both male and female.

Boy #1 makes an observation about women that is ridiculous (in girl #2's opinion).

Girl #1 giggles and agrees.

Girl #2 smiles politely, but gently disagrees with Boy #1.

Boy #1 says how he loves how girl #1 is being so honest.

Girl #1 giggles again.

Girl #2 wonders to Boy #1 if he's saying she's not being honest because she disagrees?

Boy #1 backtracks and says that he does think girl #2 is also being honest.

Who gets asked out by boy #1 in this scenario? I can tell you, it won't be girl #2.

I know that this is a gross over-generalization, but it sure seems like most men seem to be looking for a woman who is like a mirror; reflecting them back to themselves rather than like two pieces of a puzzle that fit together, or a piece of velcro, whose hooks and loops connect together to make each other stronger.

Why is this? Why does it seem that to be attractive, it requires some sort of simpering, flirting, batting of the eyelashes? This was never really my forte anyway, but the older I get, the harder I time I have mustering up the energy to wear this mask. I mean, I know that most people, when they are interested in someone else, try to put their "best foot forward." I certainly don't want to be an argumentative, defensive know-it-all that I could be in the above scenario... Just trying to figure out the balance here.

Scene: my house on a weeknight, reading emails.

I open an email from the Call2All people, and hey, they want me to come to Turkey to help with a conference in April. If they pay half my plane ticket, can I come?

I have not written about C2A in a while because I am still chewing and wrestling over the whole thing. I am set to probably hear from my mortgage company this week (be praying), so there's not a lot I can do till then. But, the answers I seek, outside of the practical things, still elude me.

So, this opportunity to go to Turkey seems ideal: go, see what I'd be doing, and that will help make my decision.

Right now, plane tickets to Turkey are running about $1100-1200. I need to come up with half. I have already raised about $260. If anyone who reads feels led to give, please let me know and I'll let you know how you can help me out.

I will say this: more and more I am starting to think I will end up doing a Discipleship Training School with YWAM first if I end up saying Yes. I am looking into one in September that could be a possibility. Please be praying for clarity on this decision.

Blessings,
Erin

Wrestling

2010-03-07T19:52:00.000-08:00

I used to not like Jacob. He was a momma's boy. He was a deceiver (his name actually means this). He blackmailed his starving brother into handing over his birthright. He lied and schemed his way with the help of his mother into his older brother's blessing. The 'black and white' person in me just didn't like that he a lot of what he got the way he got it. I never thought this was fair.

However, after all of this, Jacob receives a little bit of payback. He has to flee because his older, bigger brother finds out what he's done. He spends 14 years working for his father-in-law because he himself is deceived by this man into marrying the wrong woman. (I wonder how in the world Jacob could possibly NOT know who he was marrying!!??) Jacob agrees to stay another six years working for this father-in-law. He builds up his own herds and then suddenly decides to deceive his father-in-law by leaving with his family in the dead of the night. (Even one of his wives gets in on the deception game by stealing her father's idols and lying about it when confronted.)

At this point in Jacob's life, he's at a bit of a cross-roads. He's been a deceiver and run away when times have gotten tough, but now he's headed back to his home town to try to reconcile with his brother. His whole life has been about deception.

So, Jacob leaves his father-in-law and it is during the journey back home, that he meets the Lord at a stream. He has sent his family on ahead and and remains alone at the side of the river. We are told that he encounters a man who wrestles with him. A lot of biblical scholars believe that this was the pre-incarnate Jesus or an angel.

I have heard a lot of sermons interpret this wrestling match as a wrestle over Jacob's identity. They point to the fact that his name is changed after this match is over. I believe, however, that the wrestle is not just over WHO Jacob was, but it was also about HOW Jacob was going to walk into his identity....his way or the Lord's?

Jacob loses this wrestling match. This man allows Jacob to wrestle with him all night until finally, Jacob is exhausted. The man simply touches Jacob's hip to end the match, perhaps as a permanent reminder of what he's been through. Smart man that Jacob is, he seems to know just who it is that he's been wrestling and asks for a blessing. Jacob is, in my opinion, exactly where the Lord wanted him: at a cross-roads, alone, wrestled to the point of exhaustion, hurt, and with no where else to turn. Jacob is truly at a crisis point in his life.

The Lord then asks Jacob his name, as though to remind Jacob who he has been: a deceiver (because of course the Lord knows Jacob's name already). He wants Jacob to acknowledge who has has been. He wants to see if like the last time Jacob received a blessing and was asked this question, he'll lie. Jacob simply humbly acknowledges his name.

The Lord then changes Jacob's name as an even more permanent reminder of who it is that Jacob serves and blesses him. Jacob is radically changed from this encounter with the Lord in every way. He no longer lives a life of a deceiver, but walks into his calling and identity submitted to God.

I know, like Jacob, I cannot win my own wrestle with the Lord. I know, like Jacob, the Lord will allow the wrestling only long enough to get me to a point of exhaustion. I know, like Jacob, the end result is a permanent change within me. I know, like Jacob, the Lord ultimately wants me to see that it is not my doing that will get me where I desire in life, but it is only Him.

Blessings,
Erin

Outside of the Box

2010-03-01T11:26:00.000-08:00

I have been wrestling the last few weeks over this decision of whether to move to Kona and work for Call2All or to stay here in Tacoma for now. Initially, as is typical for me, my excitement over the opportunity was my driving force. Now, also typically, some logical and practical considerations are making me take a step back to evaluate whether this is something I'd really say yes to or not.   I have taken a lot of comfort in Jacob, who also wrestled with the Lord. (I'll probably post a blog in a day or two about all I have been gleaning from his wrestle.)

On the one hand, there are lots of really good reasons to go. Those to whom I have talked to about this say things like, "You've been talking about the nations ever since I have known you." "You should go, why wouldn't you?" And, it is a REALLY great opportunity. I'd get to be a part of an organization that is doing some amazing things. Getting to go to the nations is also a big plus.

On the other hand, I'd be doing administration. Administration. This is something I am gifted at, but for sure not the fullness of my heart. To this, I have a whole other group of friends who warn me about not settling for Ishmael, when Isaac is the promise.

(As a side note, I love when people share their opinions with me. This isn't because I am going to actually make my decision off of other's opinions, but rather that there is SUCH good wisdom and truth that comes out of these conversations which will help me make my own decision.)

I have noticed (and this is not a knock on any one organization/group etc.) that because so few people are actually *good* at administration, as soon as it is discovered that someone is gifted in that area, it's all people can think about. People who are good at administration tend to get placed into this box. The problem is that for me, I don't quite fit into the box. I'd probably have a head and an elbow sticking out. It would become uncomfortable for me after a while.

The thing is, that when I look at all of the reasons to say yes or all of the reasons to say no, neither list feels like the overwhelmingly obvious answer. It would take a step of faith for me to go, and it would require the same step of faith for me to stay.

There is a big cost to saying "Yes" to this. And, if I am honest, that scares me. The cost of following the Lord is always there, but until you are actually confronted with "putting your money where your mouth is" and you actually have to give up real, tangible things, it is easier to *say* yes than it is to *do* yes. In my opinion most people truly never really *do* yes fully. They have a whole list of things that they won't give up. It becomes clear when the Lord actually does ask them and they won't do it. Anything we say we "won't give up" prevents us from being fully obedient to the Lord. It places US firmly on the throne of our lives instead of God.

For me, at minimum, I would be giving up:
    1. the security of a place to live, my house
    2. the security of a job, instead living off of support
    3. having family near by
    4. the area of friendships, I'll need to start over in developing community in Kona, and I'll be gone from Kona so much, that this will even be a challenge
    5. my stuff, including pets and perhaps even family heirlooms
    6. my calling-specifically my teaching and counseling gifting
    7. my desire to be a wife and mother

I think it's number six that is pressing me and causing the most wrestle right now.   Because doing administration is not my calling. Do I relinquish even the dreams and hopes and vision of what *I* want for a dream, a vision and a calling that could have a greater impact on the world than my own personal desires in this area?

If I went, I'd have to go trusting the Lord to meet my every need. I'd have to believe that though I would be doing administration, it would be a stepping stone to something else (what that "else" is, I have no idea) or that at a minimum, being a part of what is happening would be enough for me. I'd have to trust that by laying aside *my* version of what I feel called to do for the bigger and greater purpose of serving Call2All that I will be blessed. I would have to trust that by giving up everything (and I do mean everything) I'd gain something eternal.

In Luke 9 (and Matthew 8), Jesus talks about the cost of following Him:

As they were walking along the road, a man said to him, "I will follow you wherever you go." Jesus replied, "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head."

He said to another man, "Follow me." But the man replied, "Lord, first let me go and bury my father." Jesus said to him, "Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God."

Still another said, "I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say good-by to my family." Jesus replied, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God."

Sometimes I wonder if all of my rational, logical reasons for doubting are just excuses. Like the men in Luke, am I saying "Yes" with my mouth but not with my actions? Are all of my fears just really things that I am idolizing and putting me first on? Or, is this a real discernment on my part about settling for second best rather than holding out for the best?

I am not certain of the answer. And, so, the wrestle continues....

Blessings,
Erin

Yes

2010-02-23T21:43:00.000-08:00

There is not one answer of "Yes" to what the Lord asks of us that won't cost something. Some "Yes" answers may even cost us everything.

Boaz and Ruth

2010-02-22T10:39:00.000-08:00

There is an interesting phenomenon that happens when a new man comes around a group of women....all of a sudden the women start dressing really nicely, doing their makeup, and showing up at things they normally wouldn't. I know this because I have done it myself and I have had an opportunity to witness this again lately.

I recently watched a man, all alone at a kitchen table, surrounded by no less than six women. It looked, for lack of a better description, like he was holding court. This man probably has his pick from this group of women at this point. I stood there and wondered whether I was doing the wrong thing by not being a part of this group of women....am I losing out by not "throwing my hat in the ring?" How does one woman stand out in a group like that? Does it really have to be about beauty and looks first?

The book of Ruth has long been a favorite of mine. I have loved her humility, her servant's heart, her love for Naomi, her compassion, her commitment, and her absolute trust in the Lord. The book basically is a love story about Ruth and Boaz. Ruth is serving her guts out and being the kindest friend to Naomi she can when Boaz comes along and has heard all about what Ruth has done. Ruth just happens to be working in Boaz's field when he offers her protection and kindness of his own in the form of extra food. Naomi, in turn, hears all that Boaz is doing to help Ruth out and she instructs Ruth to basically throw herself at Boaz's feet to fulfill Levitical law and marry her.

I think what I have loved about this story is that Ruth is doing what she's doing for Naomi and not thinking about a husband at all. Boaz takes note of her superior character and what she's done. Nothing is mentioned about Ruth's looks....just that she has been kind to Naomi and that she is working hard. It seems Boaz's protection of her while she is working and his leaving her extra food is his way of making the first move. Naomi seems pretty confident that if Ruth presents herself to Boaz, he'll do the honorable thing. She even says at one point that "he will not rest until the matter is taken care of."

I know that men, initially, are attracted to outer beauty. They are wired this way. Men, for the most part, are visual creatures. And I know to honor the Lord as a temple where He dwells, it is important to care of myself. Yet there is a longing in my heart to be known. I have always groaned at the thought that somehow I have to compete with every other single woman, like some sort of vulture ready to pounce on the fresh meat, or win some sort of unspoken beauty contest first before anyone bothers to look below the surface. The role I play in being "out there" and "available" to be won has always been confusing to me. How do I translate Ruth into modern-day application?

I had a dream a number of years ago about my wedding day. The dream took place at the altar during my wedding ceremony with my groom (a tall, dark-haired man with glasses and a goatee, decked out in his tux and a top hat (the meaning of which I'll explain perhaps someday)) and I listening to the pastor give his message in front of a large group of friends and family. It is a typical wedding scene, save for one thing. My future husband, instead of listening to the pastor, cannot stop talking to me and whispering to me. At one point I lean over and say to him, "Shouldn't we be listening to the pastor?" To which he replies, "I can't stop talking to you. I can't wait to hear what you are going to say next."

This exemplifies everything I would ever want a man to say to me: "I can't get enough of you. I am enthralled with you. Everything you say is interesting to me. I have seen everything you have done and who you are."

I have always longed for a man to be like a Boaz; to see my heart and my actions at the same time as my beauty. Maybe this is fear or passivity with regard to my part in the whole dating scene. Maybe I have unrealistic expectations. Maybe I am the one who's wrong and I *do* need to be the seventh woman surrounding the new guy, so-to-speak.

I'm praying for the Lord to bring me a Boaz, to set up a divine appointment in which I am found gleaning in the field and serving those around me and praying that he will come quickly.
Blessings,
Erin

Walking Away and Walking Towards

2010-02-18T12:31:00.000-08:00

A little over a month ago I posted a one-line blog post about dreams. At the time, I was just beginning to have revelation about what it would mean to move on from my life here in Tacoma and on to something else.

The last week or so, however, the tangible reality of this has struck me. I have started giving some of my things away. There's a very real possibility my car could sell sooner rather than later. My mortgage company has almost completed their loan modification so that I can rent my house. The chance to leave the life I have known for a different life is starting to be more than just a dream and is becoming a very concrete reality.

This has been harder than I thought it would be.

My stuff is just stuff. My house is just a thing. But the truth is that these things are physical representations of dreams that just might have to die for me to move on.

When I bought my house it needed work done both inside and out. As I lovingly picked out tile for my counter top I had visions of all of the meals I would make in the kitchen for my family someday. When I drilled hundreds of screws into the deck I added in the back yard, I dreamed of family dinners sitting out there in the summer sun. Each season as I have walked around my yard, pruning and planting and weeding, I wondered what it would look like three, five or ten years from now as the plants I have painstakingly put into the ground reach their full size. At night as I have gone to sleep stroking the soft fur of my purring cat, it has been with dreams of holding my own child someday; the cat helping to fill the void of physical affection in my life.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with the life I've been leading and the dreams I have been dreaming. Yet, there is a real possibility that I will be walking away from these things within the next year. I am realizing the likely chance that not a single one of those dreams will come true. I am walking toward something, which is at the same time walking away from something.

Honestly, there is a part of my heart that is breaking over this and I there is a dull ache in my chest, on the verge of tears at all times. As I walk around my house I think of all of the work and love put into it and wonder if the next people who live there will care as much as I do, or hope that whoever gets my cats will love them the way I do. The pain of leaving these things behind is harder than I thought.

And so I am trusting. I am trusting that by letting go of these dreams that I have held on to, that there will be something even bigger, and even better for me and that I will not be disappointed. It's not easy, but it's all I can do.
Erin

Knight on a White Horse Ideal

2010-02-17T15:20:00.000-08:00

My friend Tiffani posted a blog link the other day to the "Top 25 Romantic Comedy Cliches That Need to be Retired." One of 25 was the typical scene at the end of a Rom-Com where one of the characters is going on a wild sprint to catch their beloved before it's too late (think Notting Hill, or The Wedding Planner). A lot of women have this ideal of a knight in shining armor riding up to them on their big white horse to sweep them away and live happily ever after. Little girls dress up like princesses a lot, dreaming of castles and fairy tales. The romantic comedies we women line up for today often play into this very fantasy. Many of those movies end with the woman being chased after by her man as the climax to the movie. We all swoon when we think of the man we love not letting any circumstance deter them from running after the woman they love.

Men, whether they admit it or not, enjoy this fantasy just as much as us women...they long to be the dashing, daring knight riding in to the rescue, fighting off the dragon....it's just as much their fantasy as it is ours. How many of the movies men are drawn to have plots that surround a savior/warrior type character?

I think this idealized ending of a romantic comedy plays into the very basics of who most of us long to be: men the heroic savior/pursuer, and women the beautiful princess in the tower waiting for her knight to rescue her from the evil dragon who's put her there.

I wonder though, when held up to real life, if this cliche really "works." I mean, I can't think of a single friend I know who has had someone rush off to the airport to stop them from boarding a plane whilst confessing his un-dying love for her.

Movies and popular culture can be hard enough to overcome whith an ideal body type to live up to, much less an idealized version of how our love lives should be. Women are expecting to be swept off of their feet in a grand gesture of romance (so much pressure on the men!) while men are looking for the proverbial damsel in distress in need of his rescue.

What happens, though, when the princess gets tired and hungry stuck up in her tower waiting to be rescued by her knight? What happens when the dragon has come over and over again and there hasn't been a knight available to slay the dragon and the princess has had to pick up her sword herself to slay the dragon herself? Will her knight ride right past, missing out on a partner in life, distracted by the needy cries of someone he has to continually help? Is she disqualified in the eyes of a potential suitor because she's left her tower?

Don't get me wrong, I think almost every woman wants to be pursued. I think most every man wants deep down to do the pursuing. I don't think those things are wrong. I just think, sometimes relationships with are hard enough to navagate without all of the added pressure of some ideal version of romance that may not mesh with reality.

Maybe I'm totally wrong. I'd love any thoughts or feedback since I am certain to be biased a little on this topic. (smile)

Blessings,
Erin

Possible Blog Name Change

2010-02-13T20:27:00.000-08:00

As a lot of you know, I have been fund-raising for Sozo Kids inner-city ministry and so that I could take inner city kids from Tacoma on missions of mercy, like the trip that had been planned for May in Kenya to the AIDS orphanage there.

This has been a s-l-o-w process, mostly because of how much I love love love my current job. My motivation level for fund-raising has been sorely lacking. The plan had been to continue to work at the zoo until I had fund-raised enough to go full-time with the inner-city ministries I have already been doing, plus some other ideas for working at some schools on the Hilltop and East Side I had had but had not had the time to do with my current schedule.

Though I life has been hard the last few years here in Tacoma as a whole, my job has been the one bright spot going for me. My heart has always been, however for the last the least and the lost, which has been my motivation for helping with the inner-city ministries I have been involved with like Kids Sozo. I have never wanted to be a Christian who says we should help those in need and then not DONE something about it.

I had an opportunity to go to Kona Hawaii for five days last week and had a meeting with some folks from Call2All while I was there. This was *not* the purpose of the trip, however, their main headquarters are located there and I had dinner one evening with Holly, with whom I have kept in contact since my I went to Hong Kong for the Call2All conference last spring. I have also been helping with some administrative work on my days off from the zoo for this organization with no expectation of anything coming from it.

Holly, however, would like for me to consider moving out to Kona to work full-time with Call2All. This both freaks me out and excites me.

A LOT would have to happen for me to end up there: sell or rent my house, get serious about fund-raising, pay off my credit card debt, and a whole lot more.

I have not decided for sure what I am going to do. I cannot see me ending up in Kona any earlier than Fall, should it happen at all. I am committed to some things here in Tacoma through the Summer and I don't feel comfortable leaving after having given my word. There is a LOT of practical details that would have to fall into place for it to happen as well.

It's funny though, because I have been thinking that continuing to work part-time at the zoo and fund-raising for the inner-city work I have been doing could be enough. Yet at the same time I have been so restless and hoping for some major changes in my life. Now, this possible "major change" has sort of fallen into my lap. I have to admit, it has me intrigued.....the thought of being somewhere different for more than just the few months I have been gone on past trips (like the three-month Europe trip) brings up a whole slew of emotions within me.

It will be an interesting journey in making this decision. All I know, is that this blog might not be "Erin In Tacoma" coming this fall...

Blessings,
Erin

1+1=932

2010-02-04T20:07:00.000-08:00

I was born with a scientifically-wired brain. I was one of those brainy kids in school who was always really good at math and science. It just always made sense to me. There was something about the laws and certainty of these subjects that I liked. There was some predictability, there was order, and there was stability. This is probably why one of my Bachelor's degrees is in Biology.

In math 1+1=2. Always.

In science, it's the scientific method that intrigues me. A person can come up with a theory, gather information about that theory, and then design an experiment with data to draw a conclusion. Repeated often enough with the same conclusions, the theory becomes accepted scientific principal.

In "real life," however, 1+1 sometimes equals 932, or sometimes it equals 57, or at other times it equals -10, metaphorically speaking.

I am realizing that I have a tendency to apply the scientific method to circumstances in my own life. I develop a theory about why something is happening in my life, and then I go about gathering the "evidence" as to why this is so. Most of the time this "evidence" makes complete sense to me. I can even point to "experiments" (aka events) and data that prove this theory correct and then draw conclusions.

I have so ingrained in my head the logic and analysis of scientific ways of thinking that the thought of something in my own life not following a set equation feels, well, a bit like a foreign language. But, this is a foreign language I am being asked to learn.

God is the author of the scientific laws and principals that govern our planet. But, He is not bound by them. He supersedes them. He is above them. He doesn't think the way we think, feel the way we feel, nor see things the way we see them. He created the laws and principals of science for order and peace. These laws are good things, but I have gone too far and applied the same a+b=c logic to the way the Lord works in *everything.*

If there's anything the Bible proves over and over, it's that His choices and ways of doing things do NOT always make sense. He doesn't always make what we would call the logical choice or do things the way we would expect. His conclusions and feelings on a subject are not the same as ours much of the time.

I look at men like Gideon (hiding in a cave before the Lord sought him out), David (a young boy when anointed king), or women like Ruth (a foreigner) and I realize just how off my thinking is about how the Lord works. I mean, He has this very real tendency to do things pretty opposite of any way I would ever think to do them. He uses people I would never have chosen. And in fact seems to deliberately pick people, events and circumstances specifically because they DON'T make sense.

When I look at the conclusions I have drawn about my life, I have to wonder....are my conclusions all wrong? *I* think a+b=c, but is that really the truth? Are the conclusions I am drawing about my circumstances really the same conclusions that the Lord has? When I have decided that something in my life is a certain way because of some evidence or data I have, is it possible that my logic is all wrong?

I'm not referring to Biblical principals...those don't change. Truth is truth. What I am referring to are the conclusions I draw about other things in my life. For example: I am single. There's evidence to "prove" that I am not the ideal type for most men in a lot of ways, and thus my conclusion is that there's something "wrong" with me. Maybe, just maybe, even though I think I have lots of "evidence" to back up my conclusion, my conclusion is faulty. This is just one example of how the Lord has been speaking to me throwing away my evidence and data and conclusions and start over from scratch.

When I say it feels like learning a foreign language, that's not an exaggeration. To look at my circumstances and force myself not to look at evidence and events that seem to prove my conclusions feels like I am being asked to rewire my brain all over again.

Blessings,
Erin

Judge Not vs Condemn Not

2010-01-30T14:37:00.000-08:00

I have a friend who was deeply hurt by another friend. Friend #1, whom I'll call Taryn, believes that friend #2, whom I'll call Savannah, manipulated and tried to control her. As someone who loves both of these women, it has been an interesting case study for me in judgment and forgiveness.

Savannah, quite likely *did* say and do a lot of what Taryn accuses her of. I was not present when the original conversation happened, so I can only go off of what I have walked each of these women through. Of course, if what happened is true, it was not a right thing for Savannah to do. Savannah, however, is very repentant and sorry for what happened and has expressed her remorse and penitence towards Taryn . This, I do know to be true, as I have walked with her through a lot of the mess from this incident. Savannah seems to be truly sorry for what happened.

Taryn, however, will hear nothing of it. On the surface she has accepted Savannah's apology and says she has forgiven Savannah. However, in walking *her* through what has happened, she still wants nothing to do with Savannah and has even taken it a step further and does not believe that Savannah is truly repentant, believes what happened was done purposefully and maliciously, and also believes that Savannah was never really her friend to begin with. All of their previous interactions, which up until this point had been fine, are now seen through the lens of betrayal and mistrust. If what Savannah did was wrong initially, what Taryn is now doing is wrong as well.

Sigh. Sometimes being in the middle can be the hardest thing. It has also gotten me thinking about both judging and forgiveness.

Judging, in its simplest terms, is nothing more complicated than determining whether something or someone is right or wrong. The dictionary defines it as: "to discern, to distinguish, to form an opinion, to compare facts or ideas, and perceive their agreement or disagreement, and thus to distinguish truth from falsehood." Therefore, when you say that your neighbor is a "good person," you are passing a judgment (forming an opinion) just as much as when you say that the thief is a "bad person." Judging is actually a very different thing from condemning someone for a behavior (John 8).

When the Bible talks about judging in Matt. 7, there is no verse saying that we shouldn't perform the act of judging whether someone's actions are right or wrong, though many people mis-quote or take verses out of context in this way. In fact later on in Matthew 18 and 1 Cor. 5 there are explicit instructions given for what to do WHEN a brother is found in error. What the Bible does say is that WE are not the ones who determine the standards used to judge people when we judge their actions. Our standard for determining right or wrong actions is the Word of God alone (John 7:24 and others). (As a side note: we should not be surprised when those outside the church do not agree with those standards and behave accordingly. Their fate is NOT ours to determine.)

I have found that most of the time those who say "Don't judge" are really saying that they want to continue doing what they are doing without any consequences or negative effects. (Though ironically *they* are judging *me* for saying what they're doing might be wrong. If they truly believed we shouldn't judge, it shouldn't matter to them whether I agree with what they're doing or not.)

The Bible also says that deciding someone's ultimate correction or punishment for any incorrect actions is for the Lord alone for those outside the church, and even to a degree for those inside the church. Basically we can judge an action as right or wrong, based on Biblical standards, but correction is limited only to those who are within the church. Final punishment for a behavior is ALWAYS God's decision. It is His choice alone to condmen or to save. There is a vast difference between saying something is wrong and telling someone they're a horrible awful person who is going to hell for what they are doing.

Even bringing a correction for those within the church can only happen when we accurately judge whether someone's actions are right or wrong. The only way we'll be able to objectively see this is by first examining our own lives and turning away from our own actions of sin in that area. I must first carefully consider my own life and be repentant of that area in my life before I can help someone else see it in their own life. If I believe lying is OK, I'll probably never tell someone else it's wrong. I certainly won't have the authority to help them walk away from it if the same thing is happening in my own life. The Bible also clearly lays out guidlines for dealing with someone who is caught in sin within the church. When done right, which it rarely is in my opinion, this can be a marvelous thing.

Judging Savannah's actions as right or wrong is not the issue I have with my friend Taryn. If we didn't determine whether something was right or wrong we'd have no prison system, we'd have nothing to teach our children, nor would we discipline them if they did something wrong because that would be "judging." If someone harmed or hurt us it would be OK, because to say otherwise would be judging.

Obviously, this is completely ludicrous.

So, my friend Taryn is justified in believing that Savannah probably did something wrong. My biggest concern in this situation is that Taryn is taking it a step further. She is not only judging Savannah's actions, she is judging her motives and heart and drawing conclusions about Savannah's character. No one, I mean NO ONE can accurately judge someone's heart and motives. That is only for the Lord himself to judge. I can speculate based on what that person says or does, but the reality is that only God can truly see the heart of a person.

Taryn is stepping into dangerous territory with her conclusions about Savannah. She is inviting the same standards to be used against her and her heart, motives and character. Matthew 7 is clear that our measuring stick for others is the same one that will be used against us. Perfection is a standard no one can meet and it would be wise of Taryn to be sure she get rid of this unattainable bar for everyone else, lest she have this same measure used on her. I know for me, when I think about it in these terms, it definitely motivates me be quick to truly forgive.

Blessings,
Erin

Winter Always Leads to Spring

2010-01-27T17:12:00.000-08:00

Winter is my least favorite season. There are lots of reasons for this. It's dark early and light late. The weather is cruddy and I end up staying inside a lot (unless I actully have money for a lift ticket to go skiing). The trees are bare from leaves and not a lot is blooming.

In a lot of ways I love spring so much because after winter with all its darkness, dampness, and dullness the sight of a bright cheery flower blooming, the feeling of warmer weather, and the promise of summer around the corner feels, well, just hopeful and encouraging.

I actually feel like around here spring is already making itself known. I saw some bulbs poking up out of the ground the other day, robins are back from their winter hiatus and I heard another bird singing his spring song the other day. Even the peacocks at work are strutting their stuff in hopes of winning over a peahen, even though we don't have them.

I actually find a lot of spiritual lessons in the way our world works; in the scientific laws and principals that bring order to chaos. My science background just seems to naturally lend itself to analysing and understanding things around me and to making correlations between what I know and what I am learning. My mind is just wired that way.

The book of Ecclesiastes talks about there being a season for everything under heaven. It is no secret that I have been in a "winter" season lately. Actually my winter season has been relatively long: over two years. Several times in the last two and a half years I thought it was over.....when I attended the OneThing conference last February, visiting IHOP last March, when Mark Anderson came and spoke in April and July, my trip to Hong Kong last June, or even when Bob Sorge spoke this fall. The lift I got from these things felt like the end of my winter, and I found myself saying, "This is it! My winter season is over!" But then it would become clear that no, actually, just like a nice day in the middle of winter that can feel like a pick-me-up, I'm actually still in the middle of winter.

Lately, however, there have been signs of spring in my life again. What is encouraging is that they have nothing to do with a visit from a dynamic speaker, or attending a conference....these are just signs appearing all on their own, naturally. Just as winter has an end and spring begins to appear, I am daring to believe that spring might just be blooming in my heart once more.

I have started to dream again. I don't just mean dream as in wonderfully strange tales appearing to me as I sleep, though those are great and the Lord always speaks to my heart through those. The dreams I am referring to are those wonderful times when you get excited about the possibilities of what life might hold. On the outside, nothing has changed, but in my heart I have begun to feel stirred for the possibility of something more once again. The peace, hope and joy, which have lied dormant for this winter are starting to poke their heads up out of the ground again. A song is on my heart, and I'm starting to stir after a long winter's nap.

I am mature enough in Christ to know that no winter ever lasts forever. Though, some winters linger longer than others. I also know that just like the seasons on our planet, winter will come again someday. But, I am reveling in the signs of spring, and taking it one day at a time. That's all I can do.

Blessings,
Erin

When...

2010-01-25T09:40:00.000-08:00

Here are some random realizations that have come to me lately:

1. When crying out for breakthrough, I tend to expect that breakthrough will always happen suddenly or at least very quickly. Sometimes breakthrough is actually more like a climb up a gradual hill. I'm not at the top of my breakthrough hill yet, but rather than my breakthrough coming at a quick pace, I am realizing more and more that I am making it up the hill at a slow pace and will reach the top over time rather than in one fell swoop.

2. When people are in seasons of being refined by the Lord, everyone seems to have an opinion on the matter. Most of the time, people don't actually ask the Lord whether the season is from Him and what He has to say about it. Instead, they can wax eloquently about all sorts of things and most of the time, people are no help at all. They say things like "you should...." when the reality might be completely opposite. I am learning to filter the advice and help through the Lord first before acting on anything.

3. When circumstances are all wrong in life, I often think that the answer to things getting better is simply that my circumstances need to change. While an improvement in circumstances is always welcome, if I believe that this is the only answer, I am missing out on a greater work the the Lord wants to do in my heart separate from the circumstances. Circumstances always arise to reveal the truth of what is happening in my heart. If I work only towards improving my circumstances and overlook the greater work of my heart, I am missing an opportunity for the Lord to do a deeper work inside me.

Blessings,
Erin

More Than Enough?

2010-01-19T10:39:00.000-08:00

In all of my blogging I have always strived to do my best to be as honest as possible in a forum that is so public. On my blog you get my random thoughts on life, the church, culture, and updates on me and my life (which I find incredibly ironic since some of my posts are about how life needs to be LESS about me).

Sometimes I use my blog as a space to just put out on "paper" the thoughts tumbling around my head so as not to go insane. Blogging is like an overflow valve on a propane tank for me in this way. Sometimes I post pictures and updates on my life in general about things like my family or my job.

In all of my posting, I have done my best to be real. And so the real me just needs to be real again. Warning: this is going to be a post that will come across as a bit, ummm, whiney at best. Read on at your own risk.

I am struggling with my single-ness.

This is not a shock, probably, based on my last post. But, I need to post about this again.

I hear people say a few things about finding a mate: "If you would just quit looking, then it will come when you least expect it." "If you just put Jesus first in your life, then it will happen."

I think the main problem with these is the "If....then..." correlation that is made. IF I do something THEN it will happen. Really? Is this true? Does that mean that *I* have something to do with this? And if that is the case, since it's not happened, does that mean that *I* have done something wrong? Am I not not looking hard enough? Am I not putting Jesus first enough? Is there *really* something I should be doing better/right to have the desires of my heart granted to me?

Sometimes I also wonder if I have a metaphorical booger on my face and no one is telling me it's there. I already have a few "strikes" against me in this culture that celebrates and elevates the tall, thin, young, blonde model as the epitome of beauty. In that list I can only check off the blonde box. There is a real part of me that wonders what about a short, slightly chubby, older-ish woman has to attract someone. Is there something else that I am doing wrong with my behavior that no one is telling me about? You know, like socially awkward people frequently are the last to know that they're socially awkward! Throw in my Jesus-freakishness and suddenly the field of potential suitors is narrowed even further.

I sometimes feel guilty that I even *want* to be married as much as I do. I sing songs at church with words like, "You are more than enough..." or "You're my portion..." or "You're my everything...." and I feel like a hypocrite. I wonder at times at why Jesus ISN'T enough, or at least I wouldn't long to be married so much if He WAS enough. I have actually gone through seasons of refusing to ask for this one thing because I've felt as though I don't deserve it because of this, even though the Bible says we have not because we ask not.

Yet at the same time my head (not my heart) knows that we were created to be in relationships. Not just in a romantic way, but also in friendship. It's a dichotomy that I have not been able to reconcile; the need for each other as well as the Lord.

So my dear 8 or so readers, I don't have any answers to my questions. If any of you have any thoughts or insite, I'd love to hear them. At the very least, if you are the praying type, I'd love for you to send one or two my way.

Blessings,
Erin

Pick Me, Pick Me

2010-01-17T22:13:00.000-08:00

When I was in elementary school, our Physical Education teacher would sometimes make life a little easier on himself by letting us pick our own teams. He would typically pick a captain for each team and then let the captains alternate picking a single member of the class for his or her team. I was never picked last for these teams, because I was always pretty good at any sport I tried. I know for a lot of people, though, these are the kinds of childhood memories that can be an injustice.

I feel lately as though I am living this injustice in a more adult sense of this word.

I am struggling with single-ness lately. Actually, more acurately, I ALWAYS struggle with being single, but most of the time I can shove the feelings down to some far recesses of my heart never to be acknowledged. Somehow this covering over enables me a small thread of control over the loneliness that can threaten to overwhelm me.

Other times, no rug would be big enough to sweep the feelings of longing under. In those moments I feel so much like a little child in elementary school whispering to herself: "pick me."

I have had a more extended period of single-ness than most people. I have had well-meaning friends offer encouragement about embracing singleness and how being married is "hard work" or some other platitude about being able to give my life away fully. All of those things *are* true. But, ask each and every one if they would trade places with me and go back to being single or pick being married, and to a person they all say they would never pick single-ness again.

So I find myself still single. It is really hard not to feel overlooked, or more at least, the last one in class left waiting to be picked, and with me, it inevitably leads to the thought of "what is wrong with me?" Today is one of those days and I am not sure what to do with myself when the longings of my heart threaten to spill over and my thread of self-control is ready to snap.
Erin

Life After the Fire

2010-01-14T11:48:00.000-08:00

When I worked at Northwest Trek, we used to talk about a huge forest fire that moved through the area back in the 1920s. This fire consumed hundreds of thousands of acres. We also used to talk about how sometimes fires were a good thing.

When a forest has gotten too overgrown, a series of smaller fires can help eliminate some of the extra growth, preventing a larger and more destructive fire. Sometimes a fire will create an opening in the canopy of the forest, allowing plants that are not able to survive in the shade to grow, and thus attract new animals. There are also some plants who are dependent on periodic fires, as the heat from those fires causes them to germinate. There is a lot of life birthed after a fire.

I wrote a few months ago about seasons of transition and seasons of the crucible. Many times the Lord uses seasons of transition as trials for our refining. Often transitions and trials are one and the same. Frequently transition seasons are painful. At the very least they are awkward, annoying, and uncomfortable. They can be the "fire" of trial in our own lives, refining, purifying and at the same time leading to new life.

Painful transition seasons can happen with almost every circumstance in life: jobs, relationships, living situations, churches, health etc. Many people, myself included, don't handle transition seasons very well. We do everything possible to dull the pain and ache of these seasons and put out their fire.

How quickly we forget that the Lord has LIFE ABUNDANT for us! We forget that we are loved and highly favored! We forget that the Lord has plans for us that are full of HOPE! No transition season is EVER going to last forever...we are living without an eternal perspective if we believe that. Our inheritance, as believers, is HEAVEN!

Just like a woman in labor who cries out for drugs to ease her through transition labor, we do the same in our own seasons of transition. We live forgetting that this life is temporary. Even if we are never healed, our spouse never changes, our jobs never get better, our hope is in eternity. Our "drugs," of course, are not always real drugs (though sometimes, for some people, they are), but their affect is the same; they help us numb the pain. Rather than face the pain of going through a season of change in our lives, we quickly lose site of our redeemed selves and can revert back to some pretty unrestrained responses. These behaviors that we employ to get us through hard and stressful seasons and can include complaining to anyone and everyone who will listen, blaming others, anger, or just flat-out giving up.

Can't you just picture the woman in labor and the myriad of emotions and feelings she feels as her body prepares to give birth? I am pretty sure most women, if given the chance, would gladly accept a labor naturally free from pain and discomfort (since they certainly can't quit at that point). Wouldn't it be nice if *all* of our seasons of change could be comfortable and easy? But, they are not and I believe they are purposefully designed that way.

Yet every woman I have ever talked to who has gone through labor naturally, even with the intense pain and discomfort involved, has told me that given the opportunity they would go through natural labor in a heartbeat all over again. There is something indescribable and almost other-worldly about the labor experience for these women that women who chose drugs do not have.

In our current secular humanistic culture we are told the same message over and over: "Life is all about you, and if it doesn't make you happy you should just quit/give up/move/leave." This is our society's "drug" of choice for these seasons. The second our job/relationship/church gets hard/painful/awkward/uncomfortable, we can't handle it and we leave. I have watched this time and time again. I don't believe that we should stay in every situation no matter what, but we are so addicted to our need for life to be comfortable and happy that we have swung in the opposite direction and we shun pain at all cost. We have lost the ability to stay committed and to see things through to the other side of change. Look at our divorce rate. Look at how often people quit jobs, change churches, or dump friends!

Even Jesus' very disciples did this. Here was their leader, their rabbi, the man they knew to be the Messiah hanging on a cross, dead. What was their response? They ran! They ran back to their old patterns, their old way of life (literally Jesus found many of them after His resurrection out on their fishing boats doing what they had done for a living before following Jesus). Jesus himself had to search them out. Not one of them stuck around anticipating the prophecy of His resurrection being fulfilled. They couldn't even last three days before they gave up and quit. The second it appeared that all had been lost, they split! Most of them didn't even stay to watch the crucifixion and were gone before it had even started.

Imagine what these disciples could have gained had they just hung on for a couple of days. I believe it was completely the Lord's plan for them to run and to be found by Him again (and for us to understand that even Jesus himself knew what rejection and complete abandonment felt like), but just imagine what COULD have been for those men and women who followed Jesus to stand in the face of the storm and say, "Despite circumstances, despite the way it looks right now, I BELIEVE!" They COULD have been there to witness the most life-changing event in history!

I believe the same principal applies to every "labor" that leads to something new, to every transition season. There is something intangible gained in our character, in our spirit, and in our hearts that we can only gain by seeing something through to its completion rather than running away at the first sign of hardship.

I know for myself, these last few years of transition, as painful and hard as they have been, have planted something within me that could not have been there otherwise. I have seen things through the bleakest of times and into signs of new life. And, just like a woman who has felt every pain of her labor, I would go through the fire all over again to see the new life birthed out of this season.

Blessings,
Erin

Dreams

2010-01-09T18:39:00.000-08:00

Sometimes grabbing hold of a new dream requires letting go of an old one.

Just A Few Chicago Pictures

2010-01-05T19:32:00.000-08:00

Brady found my brother's stocking hat and my cell phone. I lovingly call this "Gangsta Brady."

The photo on the left Brady took of me. He loves cameras. I took the one on the right immediately after. Any familial resemblance?

We went to one of my favorite places to eat while in Chicago: Cracker Barrel. We don't have them in Washington, so I try to go whenever I am in a city that has them. This ginormous coffee cup was in their gift shop and reads "Behind Every Successful Woman is a Substantial Amount of Coffee." I can so relate.

Chicago Trip Highlights

2010-01-04T12:04:00.000-08:00

It wouldn't be a visit with my nephew without coming back with some of the cuteness that is my nephew. Pictures to follow.

1. He can now say my name with the "R." But the pronunciation is most definitely on the first syllable. "ER-in."
2. He already knew to say "Daddy burp" or "Mommy burp" after someone does this. We taught him the difference between a burp, a cough, a sneeze and a hiccup. So, he started to say "Erin hiccup" or "Gramma cough." We even taught him to say "Bless you" when someone sneezed. He onced blessed me from upstairs when I sneezed downstairs.

3. He loves, loves, loves, loves, loves pizza. I seriously have never seen a child get so excited about a meal as he got when he heard we were having pizza one night for dinner. He was climbing up into his chair before we could even help him or put his bib on when we had this. He ate one whole piece of pizza all by himself.

4. He loved opening Christmas presents and "helped" all of us open ours. He had a little trouble figuring out gift bags and would pull everything out of them, even the present itself looking for the present inside.
5. We watched the Seahawks game while we were out there as they were playing Green Bay. Kyle taught him to say "GO Seahawks" and he would run back and forth across the room shouting this phrase.
6. Now when he wants to be held instead of saying "Uppy Erin" or "Uppy Papa" he now says "Erin hold you?" or "Papa hold you?" It is the cutest thing ever.
7. I brought a list with me from a friend who is a child development expert on how to teach your child responsibility. One of the things on the list for 18-month to three year olds is to have them help with basic things around the house. So, I taught Brady how to take things and put them into the garbage can. We had to work hard all week at having enough things for him to take over to the garbage. A few things that weren't really garbage ended up in there this week. One day the door to the kitchen was closed so I told him that there was a garbage can in the bathroom and to put it in there. He completely understood what I was saying and brought the garbage in there.
8. My mother is famous for her rye bread recipe. She made a loaf and brought it with us last week. Brady had a piece for a snack one afternoon and one-by-one everyone asked him if they could have a bite. He said "No" to everyone. Then, I asked and he said "OK." I was the only one to get a bite.
9. As a gift, Brady got a little kids tent and tunnel. We set it up and he wanted me to come and play in it with him. He would say "Come here, Erin" when he wanted me to play with him. Luckily I am short enough to actually fit inside the tent and even (lying down) in the tunnel with him. We played in this tent and tunnel a lot during the week. One thing is for sure, getting down on the floor and playing in a tent, tunnel, with his cars, under the dinner table, or wherever is the quickest way to a 19-month-old's heart. I dare-say he asked for me more than almost anyone else this week and I attribute it to my willingness to just get down on the floor and play.
10. My brother and mother both do something we affectionately call "piddling." Basically, this is re-arranging everything from furniture to knick-knacks, to the spice cupboard, etc. Brady has inherited this gene. One of his favorite things to do this week was to rearrange cupboards. One day he stood on the counter while I got ready and rearranged all of the makeup and things inside this cupboard. He also did this in the kitchen a few times with my mom.
11. Brady already knows how to count to 10 (and is even starting to understand the concept that the numbers correspond to something ("one shoe, two shoe, two shoes"). He knows his ABCs. He knows many basic shapes like circle, star, etc. I am not sure whether this is advanced for a 19-month-old, but it sure felt pretty genius to us!
12. Brady also got some new shoes. He LOVED his new shoes and was so excited to wear them. He then started identifying our shoes which were left by the door and wanted to "help" us put them on. I ended up wearing my shoes around the house many days because Brady wanted to help me wear them.

Finally, my sister-in-law is pregnant with nephew #2. I got to feel him kick while there and that was so fun. She's due on April 19th and the names they are bouncing around are all really fun! I can't wait to head out there again, in May, to see the new little kid-o and celebrate Brady's 2nd B-Day.

Blessings,
Erin

Losing That Which I Cannot Keep

Blogging Conundrum

Dating, Relating....

Let's Run the Race Together

When it Rains, It Pours (AKA the blog in which I complain about finances)

Hiatus Over

Guard Your Heart

Goodness

You Can't Turn a Chihuahua into a German Shepherd

Remembering to be Thankful

Smart Cookie

Not Defined by My Past

Hope

Community

I Bless the Rain Down in Africa....

Jane Eyre and other Romantic notions

Known for...

Forgiveness

Do I Have Something on my Face?

Kicking Fear to the Curb

The Best Fruit of All

Love

Center

Revelations about Tacoma

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun?

The Lord was Pleased to Bruise Him

A Year in Reflection

Strength and Security

Adventures in Dating

World Map of Your Matches

Victim, Conqueror, or Overcomer

Put Me in Coach?

Peace Like a River

Unoffendable: Easier Said Than Done

Revelation: My Need for Heart Surgery

Prayer Request

To Blog Or Not to Blog, That is the Question

Every Once in a While Things Go Your Way

Sheesh

No More Facebook

The World is *Not* Coming to an End...Even if it Feels Like It Is

Something's Gotta Give

If I Only Did What I Was Good At....

Insomnia

Humility is....

That's What I Like About You (or in this case, me)

Blessed Be....

Is it the Weather or Just Me?

Everything and Yet Nothing

Becky, Brady and Kason

Kason and Brady

My knight on a white horse

He Even Does Dishes

I Just Might Be Crazy

Chicago In Pictures

Istanbul in Photos

A Post Before the REAL Post

Busy, busy, busy!

A Real Picture of Freedom

Called to Call2All?

I'm Baaaack!

Turkey Stuff(ing)

Birthdays, Bios and Turkeys Oh My!

Rooted and Grounded

The Path Less Traveled....

Twos and Threes

It Has Arrived!

Blog Recommendation

Just Put One Foot In Front of the Other

Humility or Acknowledged For What You Do?

Turkey Lurkey

Fear Has to Do With Punishment

Though He Slay Me

Distractions!

The Real St. Patrick

Deep Thoughts, by Erin in Tacoma

Wrestling

Outside of the Box

Yes

Boaz and Ruth

The World is Not Coming to an End...Even if it Feels Like It Is